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The X-Files season 11 episode 2 recap and review: This

By Sarah Crocker

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A Lone Gunman returns, plagued by shadowy government dealings on this week’s episode of The X-Files. Plus, we learn all about Mulder’s love of bran muffins.

This week’s episode of The X-Files, “This,” starts with an odd juxtaposition of scenes. First, we’re confronted with a speeding car, inhabited by three mysterious, gun-toting strangers. Then, we cut to Mulder and Scully snoozing on the couch at Mulder’s cottage.

All of this — menacing strangers, Mulder and Scully hanging out — is fairly standard for The X-Files. Things get genuinely weird, however, when Mulder’s phone starts talking to them.

At first, it’s hard to understand. A face flashes on the screen, but it’s almost indecipherable. Then, we hear a familiar voice. “I believe you knew me as Langly,” it says. “Mulder, I need to know — am I dead? If I am, they know that I know,” he says, right as the car arrives at the cabin.

Richard Langly is one of the three “Lone Gunmen”, a group of conspiracy theory nerds who occasionally showed up on the original series. They ostensibly died in season 9’s “Jump the Shark.”

But we don’t have time for much pondering right now, as Mulder and Scully face the intruders. We see some cool moves from Scully as she slides beneath a table and grabs her gun, while Mulder gets a few good shots, too. It’s refreshing to see Scully as the capable agent she is, rather than a brain-sick damsel in distress.

Two of the intruders are killed, but the third – an older man with a mop of gray, curly hair — escapes and drives away.

Russian contractors

Though Scully and Mulder have defeated the first intruders, a second group quickly arrives. Scully calls Skinner, who tells them to surrender to the Russian-accented man yelling at them from a Humvee. It doesn’t matter much, as the latest houseguests — dressed in military fatigues — break in and subdue the duo.

The leader finds Mulder’s phone as the Langly message repeats again. This gives Mulder and Scully just enough time to leap up and run into the woods. Strangely enough, the Russians don’t seem very interested in chasing after the duo.

Skinner shows up in front of Mulder and Scully, grumpily complaining about how he’s putting himself on the line for them. He also claims that the Russians are private contractors from Purlieu Services. However, further details are obscured by a “classified security directive from the Executive Branch.”

Mulder and Scully find this all pretty suspicious, but accept Skinner’s offer of cash. Scully takes the opportunity to ask if Langly is alive. “We buried him in Arlington,” he says, staring at Scully in surprise.

This means that Mulder and Scully make a nighttime field trip to Arlington National Cemetery. There, they follow a series of obscure clues to the grave of the early-season informer, “Deep Throat.” Though Deep Throat — whose name is revealed to be Ronald Pakula — died early on, his grave contains a medallion with a QR code.

The curly-haired man creeps up from behind and tries to assassinate the pair. However, Mulder deals him a serious blow to the head via Pakula’s headstone.

THE X-FILES: L-R: Mitch Pileggi, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson in the “This” episode of THE X-FILES airing Wednesday, Jan. 10 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. ©2017 Fox Broadcasting Co. Cr: Shane Harvey/FOX

Mulder and Scully investigate

Their investigations lead them to the Titanpointe building. Meanwhile, Mulder exclaims, mouth full of pastry and apropos of nothing, that bran muffins are delicious. They also learn the surprising truth that uber-nerd Langly had a professor girlfriend. I’m more apt to believe bran muffins are tasty than accept a romantically successful Langly.

Said girlfriend, Dr. Karen Hamby, already knows everything. She tells the pair that contractors came to them years ago with an unusual offer: to upload their consciousness into a computer network.

“We wanted a life eternal together,” says Dr. Hamby, “so we took the deal.” However, if either the digital Hamby or Langly realized something was off, they were to reach out. Given that Langly has appeared on Mulder’s phone, things must be bad.

Right as she’s getting to the juicy data, Hamby is assassinated by none other than the curly-haired stalker. Seriously, is his skull made out of iron?

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Mulder shoots him. The man appears truly dead now, though a double tap wouldn’t hurt. Mulder grabs Hamby’s phone before they leave.

At a diner, Mulder uses the word “adorbs” to describe Scully’s tense pose in the restaurant booth. This is where a patient niece or nephew could have doctored Uncle Glen’s script just a bit. It’s an awkward note that fails to inject real humor.

Langly comes through again on the borrowed phone. He confirms that he’s not real, then goes on to describe his odd afterlife. “I eat hot dogs and donuts all day long… And the Ramones are here, and they don’t fight.” Oh, and the Patriots never, ever win. Sounds pretty great.

The problem with heaven

“I’m begging you, destroy it,” Langly abruptly pleads. “We’re digital slaves.” All of the uploaded consciousnesses, from Steve Jobs to Michael Crichton, are only there to further Erika Price’s agenda. Being aware of the falsity of their existence only makes it worse.

How will Scully and Mulder manage to re-murder an old friend? They have to destroy the servers, housed in the Titanpointe building.

But Titanpointe is a heavily guarded government fortress. What to do? Scully storms in, claiming that she’s bringing in a dangerous criminal, played by Mulder. Thanks to some mildly insulting bedroom eyes, she unbelievably gains access.

Yes, a horndog of an agent and a lackadaisical security guard simply allow an unidentified and clearly armed Scully into the building. The moment is so unbelievable that it’s frankly unworthy of The X-Files, and this is a show with three episodes about killer fungi.

Anyway, they get in but are quickly apprehended by the Russian contractors. Scully escapes and runs around the building for a while, kicking a satisfying amount of butt.

Meanwhile, Mulder is escorted to a suitably spooky boardroom, where he meets again with Erika Price. Oh, poor confused Mulder, she says. This is all for the good of humanity. Never mind the ominous music playing in the background.

Digital evolution

“Life on this Earth — most human life, all animal life — is about to be crushed,” she tells him. The simulation is the necessary next step in human evolution.

By the way, people are being uploaded all the time, via their cell phones. And if you don’t want to participate? Well, Price says, laughing, just don’t use your phone. Despite this ominous chuckling and the eerie mood lighting, she thinks Mulder won’t want to destroy the simulation now.

Mulder, pretending interest, asks if he and Scully can be part of this new brand of immortality. Sure, says Price, but “it won’t be her and it won’t be you.”

A minute later, though, she tells him that “you and your loved ones don’t ever die” thanks to this. Sounds like Price needs to rework her pitch a bit.

This somehow assures Price that Mulder is cool enough with the project to view the servers. Scully shows up and smashes the consciousness-containing computers while Mulder battles the smug Russian contractor in the hallway outside. Scully dismantles the operation in a matter of minutes.

Alternate methods of communication

Mulder, having defeated his opponent, jubilantly proclaims that he got his phone back. What an odd thing to celebrate, now, of all times. Maybe you should consider getting a carrier pigeon, Mulder.

Mulder and Scully return to his house and collapse onto the couch. Almost immediately, his phone — which he has not thrown into a garbage disposal while in a technophobic panic — starts flashing.

It’s Langly again, pleading with them to destroy the backup. Of course. If there’s anything we know in this dystopian world, it’s that there’s always a backup.

But Langly fades out, to be replaced by the unkillable curly-haired assassin. He smirks while the Ramones play, bringing an abrupt end to the episode.

Commitment to a theme. Also, those darn bran muffins

How does “This” measure up? It’s got plenty of interesting points and lines, marred by an oddly flabby plot. There are lame jokes — Scully’s dismissive “Sorry, bro. Married to the Bureau” line being one — paired with good ones. We see genuinely intriguing plot twists, like Langly’s Black Mirror-esque afterlife, paired with things so unbelievable that you are ripped out of the story in an instant.

It’s not clear how Erika Price’s plan is supposed to work. Sure, you don’t have to pay genius consciousnesses to work, but it seems like a roundabout way to either save the human race or benefit yourself. Why even allow these computer people the chance to rebel? How is this supposed to get humanity into space?

Next: The X-Files season 11 episode 1 recap and review: My Struggle III

I also have to call out Mulder’s earlier line about muffins. “I’m going to open an X-file on this bran muffin,” he tells Scully in the middle of the episode. It only half-lands. However, I will reward points back if there is a later episode where they investigate Mulder’s tasty bran muffin.

This isn’t a terrible episode. There are high-concept themes here and a few decent jokes that many will like.

However, it’s frustrating to see interesting points muddled by an inconsistent story. “This” couldn’t seem to decide what it wanted to be — a serious conspiracy episode, or a goofy monster-of-the-week. It lands somewhere in the middle and suffers for it.

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