Twin Piques: A Millennial’s Journey Through Twin Peaks (Part 5)


Part five of the journey into David Lynch’s Twin Peaks. Or: David Lynch hates me and wants me to never be happy.

Welcome to the fifth round of Twin Piques! If you’re just tuning in:  I’m a would-be television buff millennial who’s filling a gap in my media education by watching Twin Peaks for the first time.

If you’d like to catch up, here’s what we’ve covered so far:

Twin Peaks, Episode 9. Or: “You tell me…vigilante justice or just clean country living?”

Welcome to season 2!

Full disclosure: immediately after finishing season 1, I raced to the next episode and was thoroughly displeased with David Lynch’s cruel, cruel sense of humor. Then I went to the Twin Peaks Wiki to frantically scan the episode’s synopsis in an attempt to figure out if Cooper had died or not. How did people put up with this in the ’90s, I ask you?

Anyway. When we left him, Cooper was bleeding out on the floor of his hotel room after being shot by a mysterious assailant.

Suddenly, The Most Hated Man in the World walks in.

[Image via CBS/Showtime]Which. I get it, okay? The American Dream is a lie and there’s no social safety net and this means that poor old men like this have to work nights bringing milk to shot-up FBI agents. But I feel like if you can bring a man a dairy beverage, you should have enough sense left to you to see when someone’s bleeding out on the ground and call a doctor.

The Most Hated Man in the World does neither of these things.

I think I just actively gnashed my teeth for the first time in my life. Somewhere, I’m sure David Lynch is laughing. My frustration probably actively extends his lifespan.

Suddenly, The Most Hated Man in the World walks in.

Oh my god, he’s making him sign for the receipt!

Cooper is pretty articulate for a shot dude: “Does this include a gratuity?”

[Image via CBS/Showtime]How long. Is this scene.

“The milk will get cool on you pretty soon,” says the Most Hated Man in the World.

Finally, he leaves. Then he comes back.

Side tangent: I take notes while I watch these episodes. At this point, said notes devolved into caps lock and keyboard banging.

Everyone’s a critic.

The Most Hated Man in the World leaves and comes back…twice? Three times? David Lynch hates me and wants me to never be happy.

Finally finally after a couple of thumbs ups, The Most Hated Man in the World leaves and doesn’t come back.

A giant wearing a bowtie takes his place.

[Image via CBS/Showtime]I’m guessing this is another Cooper ~*~mystic vision~*~.

“If I tell you three things and they come true, then will you believe me?” asks the giant.

Three things, go!

  1. There’s a man in a smiling bag.
  2. The owls are not what they seem.
  3. Without chemicals, he points.

One more thing and we would have a delightful quatrain.

He takes Cooper’s ring. I didn’t know unmarried FBI agent dudes wore jewelry in the 90s.

“Leo locked inside a hungry horse. There’s a clue at Leo’s house.”

“There’s a clue at Leo’s house” is also seven syllables. Quatrain, ho!

“You will require medical attention,” says the giant. Yeah no duh he’ll require medical attention, how is he not dead yet. 

One more thing and we would have a delightful quatrain.

Argh argh argh and now we’re at One Eyed Jacks, so—had I not looked it up on Twin Peaks Wiki—I still wouldn’t know what happened to Cooper, but also regardless I have to deal with this:

[Image via CBS/Showtime]Otherwise known as Audrey’s clever ploy to not show her father that she is in fact, his daughter as he tries to seduce her.

Otherwise known as David Lynch hates me and wants me to never be happy. 

She’s saved by the Brother Warbucks. No means no, Daddy Warbucks! They leave Audrey in her bedroom of despair.  Now I feel bad for Audrey. I am not comfortable with this feeling.

They leave Audrey in her bedroom of despair.

Aaaand Cooper’s still on the ground. He starts monologuing because he’s Cooper.

Hey, he was wearing a bulletproof vest! That seems like a good thing. Also, his ring is gone, which would imply that his ~*~mystic vision~*~ actually happened. Gasp!

Okay also, people cannot half-sit up when they’ve been shot in the gut-ish area. That takes stomach muscles that have been torn up, y’all. Cooper ignores this truth to start waxing on the things he wishes he would’ve done, up to and including the Lindbergh kidnapping case. Basically, the only thing missing is him wishing that he’d told President Sheriff that he loves him.

Oh snap, and there he is! The Best & Brightest Boyos bust in on the scene, finally taking Cooper to find that gosh-darn medical attention.

Here is a Twin Peaks truth that I am slowly learning: when people say delirious things, they are more often than not true. So, for example, when Cooper was rambling about lifting his jacket to scratch a wood tick?

Well, this was not a metaphor.

[Image via CBS/Showtime]“Hell of a way to kill a tick,” quips the good doctor.

Naturally, Cooper didn’t see who shot him.

Lucy catches Cooper up to speed on what’s happened since he’s been shot, which is a pretty darn convenient “last season on Twin Peaks.” Renault was successfully killed, Leo was shot, the mill burned down, Pete and Shelly got smoke inhalation but lived, Catherine and Josie are missing, and Nadine is in a coma.

“Hell of a way to kill a tick,” quips the good doctor.

Cooper is already up and at ’em, which does not seem medically advisable.

Renault gets wheeled by in a body bag. “Is that bag smiling?” asks Cooper, who clearly is not going to come off of this giant mystic quest looking particularly good.

Meanwhile, at the Palmer household, Leland has very white hair.

[Image via CBS/Showtime]Maddie had a dream about the rug, and starts freaking out about this:

[Image via CBS/Showtime]Leland goes to the Lodge singing his song, and the Warbucks brothers start…dancing?

[Image via CBS/Showtime]Twin Peaks, you beautiful animal.

Donna and Maddie meet at the diner. Maddie gives Donna Laura’s sunglasses, then breaks her own glasses. Maddie, bummer you hated those frames, but how are you going to see?

The Log Lady is also hanging in the diner. She sends Donna a note: “Look into the meals on wheels.”

We’re sure this isn’t prescient Trump commentary, right?

Back at the station, the hungry horse clue turns out to be Leo’s alibi — he was in jail in a city called Hungry Horse when the other girl that got killed the way Laura did was murdered. James plays Laura’s last tape for Cooper, explains that he doesn’t think Leo is the killer either.

Donna has end-of-Grease’d into a sunglass-wearing, cigarette-smoking lady. Or something.  She walks into the police station and immediately gets wolf-whistled, which….what? Doesn’t she live here? Doesn’t her dad work a lot of police cases? Isn’t that like wolf-whistling your own daughter? Get it together, Twin Peaks police department.

We’re sure this isn’t prescient Trump commentary, right?

She goes to see James, who’s still in a cell. This brilliant exchange ensues:

"JAMES: When did you start smoking?DONNA: I smoke every once in a while, to relieve tension.JAMES: When did you get tense?DONNA: When I started smoking."

They make out between the bars. James does not appear to be into it.

Back at the hospital, Bobby brought flowers for Shelly and wakes her up by sticking them in her sleeping face. This does not seem particularly polite, especially for someone with breathing tubes that is suffering from smoke inhalation.

Shelly says she loves him. Bobby kinda Han Solos it: “I guess… love you too?”

Okay does this really look like a smiling bag?

[Image via CBS/Showtime]

Back to the police station we go, where there is a very important donut pan run-down sequence which more or less clarifies what we already know.

[Image via CBS/Showtime]Albert snarks, which I appreciate; Overly Empathetic Policeman does not, and flounces out of the room.

Other important bits of Episode 9:

  • The one-armed salesman reappears at the police station, ostensibly to sell shoes.
  • The cops check out the Leo house crime scene. Andy hits himself with a plank, dances around while everyone watches contemplatively. But! Under the plank there’s a new pair of boots and a whole lot of cocaine.
  • At the hospital, Jacoby says that he followed Donna and James on foot to get the half-necklace. He says that she was living a double life, and that she allowed herself to get killed.
  • Nadine’s still in a coma. Ed sits around guilt-tripping himself.
  • Bobby saw Murder McDiner shoot Leo.
  • Following the Log Lady’s advice, Donna takes over Laura’s Meals on Wheels route.
  • Donna’s sister recites a weird poem in honor of Laura to Laura’s parents, which…why? Leland starts singing and passes out.
  • Josie is apparently in Seattle, Catherine is AWOL.
  • Cooper finally goes to sleep. The giant tells him that one person saw the third man. Three have seen him, but not his body. One only known to Cooper, who is ready to talk now. And then Ronette wakes up!

Next: 50 Best Dressed Characters on TV

Stay tuned for more Twin Peaks … and Twin Piques.