Twin Piques: A Millennial’s Journey Through Twin Peaks (Part 2)

Give the man a pointer. (Image via CBS/Showtime)

Part two of the journey into David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, feat. many kinds of pie, Log Lady, and way too many of Laura’s extracurriculars.

Welcome to round two of Twin Piques! If you’re just tuning in:  I’m a would-be television buff millennial who’s filling a gap in my media education by watching Twin Peaks for the first time. Here’s my coverage of the pilot. 

Let’s jump right in, shall we?

Twin Peaks: Episode 2. Or: “I had a problem with a fish that took a likin’ to my percolator.”

Y’all. I can only pray that every episode opens with a Dale Cooper monologue. Failing that, I’d appreciate if every episode opened with Dale Cooper hanging upside down in his underclothes. Thanks, David Lynch!

“What really went on between Marilyn Monroe and the Kennedys?” (Image via CBS/Showtime)

Per usual, he is my everything:

"Diane, it struck me again earlier this morning. There are two things that continue to trouble me, and I’m not just speaking as an agent of the Bureau but also as a human being. What really went on between Marilyn Monroe and the Kennedys And who really pulled the trigger on JFK?"

Dale, I would assume that as an FBI agent you would know these things.

Our favorite special agent then promptly has a religious experience at the Great Northern Hotel Dining Room (“I’ve had–I can’t tell you how many cups of coffee I’ve had in my life and this…this is one of the best”) but is interrupted in his caffeine communion by Audrey. We learn that she’s the daughter of Benjamin Horne aka Daddy Warbucks and that Laura tutored her developmentally delayed older brother, which is interesting. We also learn that she’s decided to flirt with Cooper, which is significantly less interesting.

I can only pray that every episode opens with a Dale Cooper monologue.

Cut to everybody eating donuts in the sheriff’s office. Donna’s dad, the doctor in the town, gives the results of Laura’s autopsy. This includes wounds, bites on her shoulders (?), lesions where she was bound, and that she’d had sexual relations with at least three men in the last 12 hours of her life. Also…Dr. Donna’s Dad, can I just say that staring at the picture of a dead girl’s corpse and saying “so beautiful” is, like, really weird?

Cut to Leo and Shelly. Okay. Leo’s a jerk. But, so much so that I’m like, “we get it! Are real people really this way all the time?” Like, the fact that she’s hooking up with Bobby shouldn’t be an upgrade.

Shelly finds a bloody shirt in his laundry and hides it. We also learn how not to touch someone’s face:

(Image via CBS/Showtime)

We next turn to Biker James, who’s been hauled in for questioning. He did, in fact, record the video of Laura and Donna. Biker James tells President Sheriff and Cooper that Laura was using cocaine. Also, he was with her the night she died–she broke up with him, jumped off his bike, and ran away.

Sidebar: if I was ever hauled in for questioning, I would be so screwed because I have no idea what day of the week it is, much less what I was doing on February 5th. James seems to survive, though–President Sheriff and Cooper buy his innocence.

Meanwhile, Leo realizes his blood shirt is missing. He’s not pleased.

Donna’s parents are A+ when they’re not commenting on pictures of dead girls.

Donna has a pretty adorable heart-to-heart with her mom about Biker James. “We realized that all this time we were the ones falling in love,” she tells her. She also mentions that Laura was troubled, which seems kinda obvious at this point. Anyway, Donna’s parents are A+ when they’re not commenting on pictures of dead girls.

Very importantly, Cooper and President Sheriff appear to be developing a dynamic. After Bobby and his stooge get released, Cooper is excitedly relaying more plans. “I think I better start studying medicine because I’m beginning to feel a bit like Dr. Watson,” jokes President Sheriff.

Look, President Sherrif, you have too many titles already.

Donna also visits Mrs. Palmer, who isn’t doing great. She hallucinates Donna as Laura, and it’s super awkward. Like, 1990s hallucination technology is not at its peak performance here.

(Image via CBS/Showtime)

She also hallucinates some hella creepy dude crouching in the room, which–what?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch/lodge, Audrey reveals she ruined the cheese-eating Norwegians deal. Daddy Warbucks is not best pleased, which results in one of the better threats of our age: “You’re going to be scrubbing bidets in a Bulgarian convent!” Audrey does not appear to care.

“You’re going to be scrubbing bidets in a Bulgarian convent!”

There’s an insanely awkward meal with Bobby and his parents–the General and the General-Massager. The General is actually low-key terrifying in that he talks like he ate a 12-step guide to encyclopedias and also smacks a cigarette out of Bobby’s mouth. It lands in his mom’s meatloaf, which is an image that looks like something out of a DARE propaganda movie.

Okay. Okay. Can I just:

My log brings all the boys to the yard. (Image via CBS/Showtime)

CAN I JUST.

And they’re like, it’s better than yours. (Image via CBS/Showtime)

That second image is now my cover photo on Facebook, I’m just sayin’.

Cut to…Leo cutting up a football? And then putting soap in a sock? Neither of these is your standard household chores. Shelly comes home with some pie because she’s a good wife, gosh darnit.

Leo asks her about the missing bloody shirt. First off, the house doesn’t appear to be fully built yet, which is weird. Second, he’s gonna beat her with a sock full of soap? Leo is a jerk. 

Other important bits of Episode 2:

• Ed is James’ uncle. He was part of the bar fight between Biker James and Bobby & his stooge. Ed says he’s pretty sure his beer was drugged, and that a Jacques Renault was tending bar.
• Leo’s in cahoots with Bobby and his stooge. There’s some sort of deal–they were supposed to give him money. Stooge didn’t know, but Bobby had already given him $10,000, which I imagine is a lot of money for a small town in 1989 since it’s still a lot of money now. The other $10,000 was in the safety deposit box discovered by Cooper and President Sheriff, which is obviously problematic for Bobby & stooge.
• Cooper and President Sheriff visit Josie; Cooper calls that they’re hooking up because he’s the best at everything he does. Laura was also tutoring Josie in English.
• Catherine, Josie’s sister-in-law, is hooking up with Daddy Warbucks. They have a plan to shut the mill down to sell the land for money. They’re also cooking the mill’s books, because more is more.
• Ronette, the girl on the tracks, worked at the perfume counter in the department store downtown.
• Donna brings James home to meet her parents. Bobby & stooge see this, are not pleased.
• Laura made tapes for her psychiatrist, who has the second half of the necklace that James and Donna buried in the pilot.