Riverdale recap and review: Local crime and villainy

This Riverdale recap and review will try to sort out an incredibly intense hour of television, and attempt to make sense of what’s yet to come.

That was an incredibly intense hour of television. In this Riverdale recap and review we’re gonna run down some of the major secrets revealed. And we’ll try to make sense of some of the other mysteries that open up. It felt far more like a season finale than a penultimate episode, and I can’t even imagine what next week’s finale is going to offer.

Here’s the major stuff and my (completely unbiased) reactions to them:

FP confesses to everything

And I do mean everything. He takes credit for Jason’s murder, burning the car, and breaking into the Sheriff’s house to steal files. And also global warming, probably. We know he’s being set up, and we even figure out it’s Clifford Blossom who kills him (more on that below.) He’s being set up by said Blossom, and amateur sleuths Veronica and Archie can’t hammer this point home hard enough. Even though they don’t figure out who until the very end. We get it, y’all. You were there.

Jughead is incredulous at first. All the years of parental neglect has made him skeptical about FP’s

Once it becomes too unwieldy for the teenage mystery machine, the parents get involved, and it turns out the kids are just running around trying to clean up the horrendous mess the adults have left.

legitimacy, but he eventually comes around when he “sees it in his eyes” that he’s lying. Oh, okay, Jughead, that seems completely reasonable. That you would just innately understand a man whose been completely absent and abusive your whole life. Got it.

Once it becomes too unwieldy for the teenage mystery machine, the parents get involved, and it turns out the kids are just running around trying to clean up the horrendous mess the adults have left.

The Coopers are actually Blossoms, and ew, incest

As it turns out, the “feud” between Grandpappies Blossom and Cooper was more like a blood feud, because … wait for it … they were brothers. This means that Polly and Jason were related, and Clifford Blossom delivers the absolute best line of the night. He says, “Nothing is more purely Blossom than those babies.” Once my skin stopped crawling, I found this to be delightful in all its gothic, macabre, humor. Well done, Riverdale. Besides, they’re only third cousins. Loosen up your middle class values, people.

Joaquin is way more important than we thought

This is surprising, since this kid has only been in a few episodes, and he’s barely said two dozen words. But, as Alice Cooper reveals, he was FP’s only phone call from jail. This takes the crime solvers down a path that leads to another South Side Serpent, Mustang, who’s dead now, and has a suitcase full of money with the initials H.L. Everybody except the sheriff realizes it’s Hiram Lodge’s initials, and now things are even more muddy.

Joaquin fills in a few blanks, about FP, Mustang, and the night of the murder, including where Jason’s jacket is hidden. He helped FP and Mustang hide Jason’s murder and put him in the freezer, because naturally you call a high school student to help clean up a homicide.

Clifford Blossom killed Jason

Here’s the big reveal. Clifford Blossom killed his son. We don’t know why yet, but maybe because of maple syrup or drugs or a combination of both.

Thanks to Betty’s super-sleuthing, they discover a flash drive with a video of Jason’s murder. Sure enough, there’s Clifford, putting a gun to his son’s head and murdering him in cold blood. I hope they gang seeks out some counseling after watching it, because surely there’s going to be some PTSD issues.

The police rush to arrest Clifford, but it’s too late. He’s hung himself in the barn, and there he swings over a busted syrup crate with drugs spilling out. Gasp!!!!

Although the main mystery has been cleared up, there are still a lot of lingering questions:

Who filmed Clifford killing Jason, and how did the drive wind up in Jason’s jacket?
Who enlisted FP to help cover up the murder? The Blossoms? The Lodges?
How much more does Hermione know? What exactly is she involved in?
Why is Polly so chill about the fact that she’s carrying a set of incest babies?
When are we gonna get some more romance on Riverdale? Enough’s enough. Take your shirt off, Archie.

Stray observations:

I’m glad Kevin has more to do, but he’s far from being as interesting as he could be.
Cheryl Blossom is the most underused character on this show. She strides into her parents’ room and says, “You did a bad thing, Daddy. And now everybody knows it,” and she’s forever my queen. And that leather skirt, though.
Mary Andrews is a lawyer. Who woulda thought?
Cole Sprouse is an INCREDIBLE actor and needs the proper acknowledgement. The scene in which he calls him mom from a pay phone is some of the best stuff of the season.

Check back here next Friday for my dish on the Riverdale finale.

Riverdale airs at 9/8c Thursdays on The CW.

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