Culturess Reacts to their Pottermore Assigned Patronus
By Ani Bundel
Image via Pottermore
Stoat- Sarah Bredeman
And your Patronus is a….
The magically magical words floated across my screen and I squealed in glee. I answered, “Sweet” afterall. I was expecting magic! I WAS PROMISED GREATNESS.
…Stoat.
*Head scratch*
“Uhh… whaaa?”
*Pulls up Google, searches Stoat*
“Oh. It’s a small, fuzzy, cute thing… I think…”
It’s basically a weasel. Or a ferret. You know what I know about ferrets? They stink, not unlike the new Pottermore Patronus test, which was a smattering of haphazard and wonky “questions” that were, I guess, meant to tap into my inner happiness and produce my Patronus.
STOAT.
At least it’s cute, and small and fuzzy. That is kinda happy. Maybe there’s something to this Patronus test after all.
Don’t let small, fuzzy, cute things fool you. After a little recon and a lot of denial, I came upon this:
So, they are basically outwardly cute little dancing rat-ferrets with an affinity for hunting rabbits that are many times it’s own size, then killing them with razor sharp teeth with a nasty bite to the ole neck. THIS IS NOT HAPPY. This is scary. I’m… I’m frightened.
Stoat Patronus will protect you with fierce cuteness.
Stoat Patronus will rip you apart with razor sharp teeth.
Sorry for whoever got a rabbit Patronus.