Pick your poison: 3 biggest shocks of AHS: Cult episode 9

With an army of loyal followers and no discernible enemies in sight, the cult’s only roadblock is infighting on AHS: Cult, and their cup runneth over.

This week’s episode, though lighter on the concrete global insanity and more focused on the emotionally complicated interpersonal relationships than usual, was mind-blowing in more ways than one. Primarily, some people’s minds were literally blown. But figuratively, this episode was full to brim of its plastic Dixie cup with deceit, betrayal, reversals, confusion, and straight up shocking moments. And though every single second of this season could be categorized as a shocking moment, here are just three of this week’s biggest surprises on American Horror Story: Cult.

Fake News

With the revelation that Kai intends to run for Senate in 2018 and the army of bullies he’s built up to force the votes of his fellow city councilmen in any direction he chooses, Kai is looking pretty much set to fully take over his town. His newest initiative, which has passed across the board with the exception of one stubborn (read: level-minded and not-yet-physically-threatened) colleague, is a city-wide censor on all the websites he deems inappropriate. And with hoards of men literally willing to drink the Kool-Aid to prove their loyalty to him, it’s unfortunately not unbelievable that his absolutely incomprehensible imminent dictatorship has gone down so easily for so many people.

But there are a few members of the cult who can’t shake the bad taste Kai has left in their mouths. And, after last week’s battle of the sexes, it’s no surprise that the women are itching to revolt, or at the very least, quietly sneak away with little to no collateral damage so they can continue living regular pre-Kai lives that don’t involve clowns or men in button-downs with nicknames like “Pus Bucket.” Unfortunately, Kai isn’t willing to let them go easily, nor is he planning to stop spreading blatant lies nor feeding into his delusions any time soon.

Daddy Dearest

The biggest reveal of this week’s episode comes not in one of the several Kool-aid related fake-out death scenes, but instead, breaks once Ally and Ivy, who’d planned to escape with their son only to find he’d been picked up by Winter and Kai, uncharacteristically submit to Kai’s insistence that Oz spend the night at his place. The women, after really not even close to enough deliberation, conclude that Kai probably wouldn’t hurt a child, and so they leave him in the basement of the man they’d planned to upend their lives to escape from a mere 41 minutes prior.

During the world’s scariest sleepover, Kai manages to convince Oz (and himself) that he’s the boy’s real father. Once the moms learn about this new, poorly DIYed addition to their family tree, they’re simultaneously disturbed and relieved; if Kai has convinced himself he’s the boy’s father, there’s no way he’ll hurt him. Only we’ve already seen Kai murder his own parents. And his brother. And threaten his sister.

Though with Ally seemingly onboard with their new family unit (more on that later), Ivy out of the picture (ditto), and Kai somehow simultaneously stronger and more vulnerable than ever, it’s really anyone’s guess whether Oz’s growing relationship with the blue-haired maniac will assuage him, amp him up, or possibly even fulfill some larger (made up) prophecy and become the saving grace of the whole situation.

Ally’s Revenge

Though the political actions of the cult at large were rather subdued this week, the bad blood between its members got really out of hand reailly fast. Or, perhaps more accurately, the bad blood that OG member Ivy had allowed to boil between she and her wife when she put her away in a psych ward finally bubbled over until someone actually WAS drinking poison! And that someone was none other than Ivy Mayfair-Richards: mother, murderer, ultimate Judas, very good haircut lady, and very bad wife who paid the ultimate price for getting in between a mother and her son.

After Ally and Ivy reconnect and conspire to escape with their family, the cult intervenes, preventing them from getting away. While Ivy believes Ally to finally have “fixed” herself, it turns out that Ally used her time in the psych ward not to practice meditative introspection or attend group therapy sessions, but to plot out some bloody revenge against her wife.

Once the women make the decision to leave their son with Kai for the evening, they retire to their home for dinner, which Ally lovingly prepares for the two of them. Unfortunately, she put a little extra love into Ivy’s dish, and by “love,” I mean “arsenic.” As Ally reveals her deepest contempt for Ivy, and admits that she’d felt so betrayed by her decision to lock her up away from their child that she simply couldn’t imagine not taking revenge, Ivy chokes on her own blood and dies on their kitchen floor. And Ally, for as terrified as she so often is, really is having a gay ol’ time — no pun intended. Especially now that her wife is no longer a wife, but a corpse! Yikes!

Over some of her signature Manwiches (why) later that evening, Ally confides in Kai that she knows she’d made the right choice picking him as a sperm donor all those years ago. He agrees it’s fate, and their messiah child is proof of that. What it really is, though, is a simple case of Ally having threateningly demanded that the woman working at the donation center do her a favor.

This favor comes in the form of a donor folder, which Ally presents to Kai over Manwich dinner as “proof” of their little family. Kai is overjoyed, and seems ready to protect his family at all costs. Ally, on the other hand, is doing what we in the business refer to as “bi-winning.” And though I am alarmed, shocked, disturbed, and ever-so-slightly intrigued by the new Ally, I am 150% here for her and all that she has done and all that she may do, forever and ever amen.

So though this episode came with a bunch of unexpected turns, a few anticipated-but-never-truly-believed-they-would-happen shocks, and a couple of game-changing revelations, all of which solidified the cult’s intentions, it’s clear that with just two episodes left, America is not looking like it’s any closer to being great again. But with any hope, and a bit more of that classic AHS females-are-strong-as-hell formula, we might just find a heroine in Ally and be able to, at the very least, make America gay again.

Next: Star Trek: Discovery finally felt like Star Trek

Tune in next week to find out.