Labyrinth Doesn’t Need to be Remade but it’s Happening Anyway

A new Labyrinth film is coming, whether we want it or not.

Labyrinth is a classic. There are some movies that are always rumoured to be happening but never seem to come to fruition, like an Indiana Jones remake or a sequel to Beetlejuice. The kind of stuff that nobody really wants but the idea keeps getting tossed out there.

A new Labyrinth is one of those movies with news of a remaking popping up every year or so — last year, Guardians of the Galaxy writer Nicole Perlman was working on a script, and this year, it’s got a director in Don’t Breathe‘s Alvarez.

Perlman’s script seemingly won’t be a part of this new film, and Alvarez will a write the script with writer Jay Basu (Monsters: Dark Continent).

This isn’t Alvarez’s first time taking on an old property: he got his start remaking the Evil Dead before moving on to reimagine Lisbeth Salander in The Girl In The Spider’s Web. Now there’s another reboot in the works.

Perlman’s script was going to be a ‘continuation’ of the story, and the studio now is saying it’s a new film set in the Labyrinth universe.

But does anyone really want this? Labyrinth is a beloved cult classic because it’s so singularly bizarre. It’s a 1980s coming of age fantasy film starring an actual rock star seducing a teenage girl, but also with Jim Henson’s puppets. How could you recreate that madness?

Not to mention, after the tragic passing of David Bowie, the casting of a new Goblin King will be controversial no matter what. Nobody could live up to the strange, cool, sexiness.

The New Gareth

But, if Tri-Star Studios is taking suggestions (they aren’t), I have a few names to offer for the new Gareth:

• Tilda Swinton
• Harry Styles
• Laverne Cox
• Mads Mikkelson
• Lady Gaga

And a few for the Jennifer Connolly stand-in:

• Amandla Stenberg
• Jaden Smith
• Harry Styles (listen, he is getting in this movie one way or another)
• Millie Bobby Brown

Next: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 is a Go

There probably won’t be much more Labyrinth news for a while (Alvarez is doing Spider’s Web first), but I’ll definitely be waiting for the cast announcement.