Instead of watching Donald Trump talk to Congress for a couple of hours, here are 5 other cool things on TV you could be watching tonight.
Tonight, Donald Trump will put his suit on and go talk to Congress for a bit about what he had for dinner the night before. He’s going to throw a dart at the board and start talking about a country he otherwise shouldn’t call into question. America will tune in and Twitter will bring out its best jokes as we watch Donald Trump address Congress in joint session.
According to CNN, it’s politically incorrect to refer to this speech as the State of the Union address. Of course, the state of the union right now appears to be in a state of undress, where we’re being led by cabinet filled with incompetence, leaving the American people so vulnerable that it’s almost like being naked.
(There’s a joke here about hotels and golden fountains. But I’m just going to lead you to the edge and you’ll have to decide to jump on your own.)
Now that you’ve heard of #AlternativeFacts, it’s time for #AlternativeProgramming. Here are five other things on TV tonight you could be watching instead of Trump:
If you like conspiracies and think the government’s shady, watch The X-Files:
In case you missed it, NASA found some new planets. It’s only the second coolest piece of news we’ve gotten all year. Obviously, the first is that Mass Effect: Andromeda will feature naked aliens in space. Fox Mulder will likely agree: the only thing better than the mere existence of aliens is the existence of naked aliens. There’s nothing better than outer space or wondering what the government is hiding from you, so let’s just cut to the chase.
So to get your full fix of weird conspiracy theories, watch The X-Files on MyTV tonight.
If you like watching a white dude make a mess, The Hangover’s playing:
Full disclosure: I have never seen this movie.
But from what I understand — as the title implies — a group of friends at a bachelor party drink way too much and shenanigans ensue. I find it crazy to believe that several full-grown men don’t know what they’re stopping point is. Sure, they were drugged. But that’s still so irresponsible.
Shame on you, white dudes. Shame on you. You always have to have a spotter. Amateurs.
Luckily, The Hangover gives you a really good clue what happens with dudes when left to their own devices without any supervision… hmm, speaking of the state of the union… tune into E! tonight!
If you want to see someone with too much power wreak havoc on the people around him, you can watch X-Men: First Class:
Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of X-Men: First Class: A regular telepath and a dude who can speak to metal go on a trip, recruiting other freakazoids like them into a cult-like fraternity where they all dress the same and use their god-like powers for good. At one point, Magneto (he plays with magnets, isn’t that neato?) gets really upset with his boyfriend, Charlie, and falls to the dark side. What results — perhaps, accidentally, we don’t know — is Magneto putting a bullet in Charlie’s back.
Tsk. Tsk.
I know that I just spoiled the entire movie, but if you want to get your James McAvoy fix prior to his Split success, X-Men: First Class will be on FX tonight.
For something else that’s really long and boring with a lot of fantastical elements that are clearly implausible once you start to think more about it, The Hobbit‘s on TNT:
Politics is boring. Except for millions of people marching through the streets and calling for equal rights, a lot of it consists of paper pushing and long speeches. So we can all assume that if someone stood in front of a podium looking and speaking in the manner that Donald Trump is known to speak in, there’s a good chance you’re going to get bored about 30 minutes in. And if you’re actually watching all the way through, you’re going to hear some things that will give you pause.
Look, it seems like a lot of his platform is built on making things up. And nobody makes things up better than J.R.R. Tolkien. So for something as equally snooze-worthy, tune into the other small-handed imp on television, The Hobbit — tonight on TNT.
And just for fun, there’s always Chopped:
We all love competition shows. And luckily, the best competition show of them all will be on TV tonight. That’s right, I’m talking Chopped. Watch a bunch of chefs take some of the most bizarre ingredients and turn them into some semblance of something you may put in your mouth. Every time I watch this show, I can never figure out if I want to be a judge or not. I’d love to sit there and give people arbitrary critiques about their mulch-crusted tire filet made out of seabass and charred monkey tail, but also, I don’t think I could eat the monkey tail. Like, I cry when my broccoli touches my mashed potatoes.
Chopped will be on Food Network tonight. You’re welcome.
Related Story: The Culturess Drinking Game for the Trump Address
Trump’s thing will air live on television on any news station he hasn’t outlawed yet at 9 p.m. ET.