Culturess Reacts to their Pottermore Assigned Patronus
By Ani Bundel
Image via Pottermore
Buzzard – Morit Chatlynne
I got Buzzard as my patronus. At first I was like “ew, they’re stinky scavenger birds.” I’ve seen turkey buzzards, which have faces like scabrous plague doctors. And they eat road kill. They look more to be in league with the dementors than a threat to them.
But then I went to the wikipedias for more information. Buzzards are actually a large group of birds that includes hawks. Sweet! I have chosen to be a red-tailed hawk because YOU DO NOT MESS WITH RED TAIL HAWKS. They are fierce, beautiful, majestic, and have no f…eathers left to give. In the last decade or so, red-tailed hawks have been moving into urban environments because they can. They do not care that they’re not supposed to live in cities. In DC, if you’re sitting around taking in the scenery, you might be lucky enough to see a red-tailed hawk swoop down from its roost on a tall building and absolutely destroy a pigeon for its lunch. Picture an innocent, fat, dumb pigeon pecking at crumbs. Then, out of nowhere, you hear a mighty SWOOSH, and all that’s left in the pigeon’s place is a lone feather, slowly floating toward the ground.
On a side note, I really wanted the blue whale as my patronus. Can you imaging casting a blue whale patronus? By the time the entire 100-foot-long whale finishes extruding from my wand it just falls onto the ground with a giant WHOMP and immediately crushes all the dementors. WHOMP!