Democratic primary: Pete Buttigieg’s double bind and being “the only one in the room”

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg has said he once would have taken a pill to make him straight, but there’s more to the story.

When Hillary Clinton ran in 2016, she faced multiple sexist attacks disguised as criticism of her electability: lack of charisma and authenticity coupled with being overly amibtious and calculating.

Scholar Kathleen Hall Jamieson coined the term “double bind” to describe the particular pain point women find themselves in when they seek power: She’s too feminine, but not feminine enough; too cold, but too emotional.

Aside from one notable exception, we have only ever had straight white men in the Oval Office. Because of that, it is hard for anyone other than that to be seen as a worthy candidate. Furthermore, there is so little representation that the few people who do strive to break the mold receive extra scrutiny, simply by virtue of stepping outside the box. For LGBTQ+ people, the same conventions apply.

Pete Buttigieg emerged early as a surprising contender due to many viral moments that surprised and delighted the Internet as he flashed his intelligence and multilingual skills. As the first openly gay Democratic candidate to run for president, Buttigieg is making history.

Of course, as with any candidate, though, the longer Buttigieg’s been on the scene, the more scrutiny there’s been. As quickly as the praise for Buttigieg came, the backlash came faster.

While some of the criticism around Pete is ballpark homophia, there’s a more fascinating gray area  that falls into a queer double bind.

Specifically, there seems to be a sentiment among Gay Twitter that, while Buttigieg is gay, he’s not gay enough. This amplified after a clip of Buttigieg’s CNN Town Hall from Monday went viral, where he expressed his previous internalized shame and self-hatred at being gay. Buttigieg said in part:

"“I was wrestling with this … well into my twenties. … If there was a pill that I could take and not be gay anymore, I would have jumped on it. And thank God I didn’t. Because then I would not have the amazing marriage that I have now to Chasten.”"

Many queer people understandably latched onto the idea that he would have gotten rid of his queer identity if he could have, and that he said so right in front of his husband (though I think interpreting a two second shot of Chasten as “heartbroken” is a bit farfetched, but that’s for another article).

But it’s not the first time Buttigieg has said so. He discussed the same feeling at a town hall last week, where he went viral for giving advice to a young boy who wanted to come out, and as far back as April 2019.

All this to say, this wasn’t a throwaway, callous comment from someone who hates themselves. It’s a practiced, committed idea that he clearly feels. It’s great that so many LGBTQ+ people on the Internet are out, proud, and loud about their identities and politics. But for many queer people, coming to terms with who they are is a struggle, especially for those coming of age 20 years ago.

It’s worth remembering that when President Obama first ran for office in 2008, he wasn’t openly in support of gay marriage because it was still too controversial.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell wasn’t repealed until 2010 (and wasn’t in effect until 2011), and Buttigieg would have already been serving in the U.S. Navy Reserve for two years at that point. And It’s only been five years since marriage equality became the law of the land.

I want to clarify that Buttigieg should absolutely be dissected and criticized for his policy positions (particularly his history on race and policing). That’s all part of the process. And as a white, highly educated man, he still holds a lot of privilege.

That said, there are unique barriers and burdens Buttigieg faces as “the only one in the room.” NPR’s lead Code Switch blogger, Gene Demby, discussed this idea in terms of being the only person of color in the room, and being “torn between speaking up or saying nothing and keeping the peace.” But Demby’s idea applies to other marginalized groups who are outnumbered by dominant, privileged voices in public spaces.

In the case of Mayor Pete, he’s the only one in the room by a long shot. There have been nearly 30 Democratic candidates on the ballot for 2020, and Buttigieg is the only openly queer person among them. Being the only one creates a heavy burden and responsibility.

As the resident gay, Buttigieg is expected to be virtuous while also representing every facet of queer identity (which is nearly impossible). He’s supposed to be gay enough to earn the credibility of the queer community, but not so gay as to put off straight people.

As a queer person, it’s easy to sit at home on Twitter and say you would do things differently, but Buttigieg is still the first and that’s huge.

Let’s not forget that queer youth face disproportionately higher rates of suicidal ideation and attempts than their straight peers, making it very easy to believe that Buttigieg would have gladly gotten rid of a part of his identity that used to cause him so much pain.

Ultimately, though, representation is key to self-acceptance. Before Hillary Clinton ran for president, there was a whole generation of little girls (and women) who never thought a woman could ever be president, let alone get close.

Now thanks to Mayor Pete, there will be a whole new generation of LGBTQ+ kids and people who can envision a slightly different version of their futures. Buttigieg is certainly not the perfect gay icon, but that’s because there is no such thing.

What have you thought of the Democratic Debates so far? Tell us your thoughts in the comments below.