When I was a kid, Xena: Warrior Princess helped me realize I was never straight. But now that I’ve revisited the show, Xena’s helped me better accept that I am a lesbian.
Some people’s Pride Month traditions include going to gay bars, Pride Parades, and supporting their local LGBTQ+ artists. For me, it includes some of that. But every year, there’s one thing that never leaves my Pride agenda: rewatching every episode of Xena: Warrior Princess. Whereas some people had a gay guardian angel at their school or their family or even an internet personality who helped them recognize they weren’t straight, cis, or either, I had Xena. But during this year’s regularly scheduled Xena rewatching session, I found new reasons to appreciate the character who helped me embrace my gayness back when I was a kid.
Maybe I’m just reveling in my post-Xena thirsting from spending the last few weekends watching Lucy Lawless swing a sword around. Or maybe I’m finally vicariously living through Xena’s confidence. Regardless, my latest Xena: Warrior Princess binge-watch helped me celebrate the fact that I’m a lesbian. Now, I’m finally at a point in my own sapphic resurgence where I finally accept that I have always been a lesbian.
During my first watch through, the titular warrior princess helped me realize I wasn’t straight, and she even prompted me to come out to my parents. While I thought I was bisexual for well over a decade, I’m not, and I never was.
Revisiting Xena: Warrior Princess this year helped reassure me — once again —to stop doing things that just don’t feel right. For men, that thing is being with men and attempting to love men because loving men simply is something I’m not capable of. Like how network constraints retconned Xena and Gabrielle coupledom (even though everyone knows they were in love), I’ve attributes any queries I’ve had about my sexuality as normal. However, it was never normal to contort my own mind into thinking I was ever meant to be with a man.
Xena and I have a lot of history together. Watching her find the perseverance to go on her long road to restitution gave me the courage to open up to my parents about my sexuality. Coming out isn’t the same as a former warlord who channeled her conquests to become a heroic warrior princess for the people, but it was just as emotional strenuous in its own way.
Part of me feels like a fraud coming out yet again, especially when I’ve written about bisexuality to a great extent. While I still agree with my support for bi+ people, like the experiences I’ve faced in the past still resonate with me now, I’ve just learned and accepted more about myself.
Xena has periodically doubted herself and become more empowered through her own growth. Her struggles to change how she thinks about life philosophies — just as much as her path to becoming a hero changed her outlook of herself — have allowed her to become more confident in herself and her relationship with Gabrielle. Like her, I know I shouldn’t feel insincere because I’ve learned about myself. Life’s too short for convincing myself that I’m attracted to men or any other form of compulsory heterosexuality. Even when I thought I was bisexual, loving women also came naturally to me. It always felt right. While it doesn’t matter how I came to my lesbian “ah ha” moment or the people who’ve helped me get it, it does matter that I’m here, I’m a lesbian, and I’m happy to finally say it.
Indisputably a one-woman army, Xena is still never alone. Even in her indirect role in my extended coming out saga, Xena isn’t alone. Many women have been a part of my journey to self-acceptance. Characters throughout nerd culture and LGBTQ+ icons have helped me realize my sexuality and non-binary identity are even possible. But it was Xena who first gave me the confidence that my fire-sign-riddled birth chart failed to deliver.
There isn’t a spectacular reference or obscure moment where I project myself onto Xena in this pseudo-coming-out story. Xena was just who I wanted to be but never successfully emulated. She was fierce and proud in ways I could never be. She said things I wish I had the volume to echo. So, Xena first inspired me to come out to my parents back when I was ten.
Now that I’ve found a much more accepting family, I chose Xena to be the instigator in my next and final chapter in my coming out tale. While revisiting her titular series, I came out again. This time, as a lesbian to my new family and friends who’ve accepted me unconditionally, which has brought me closer to the character I’ve felt so far away from in ways that my watery eyes and shaky fingertips can’t clearly articulate right now. Hopefully, one day they will though.
As I’ve learned more about myself, I’ve come out multiple times in my life. When I first learned I love women. Every time, Xena: Warrior Princess was there. When I thought I was bisexual. When I had to go back in the closet. And when I was finally able to come out again. Through all of it, Xena was there. Just now that I’m in a more accepting situation, more people are here, too.
In short, Lucy Lawless made realize that I’m a lesbian. I’ve found even more comfort in the Xena fandom. And rewatching Xena: Warrior Princess will always be a part of my Pride.