There’s a new sheriff in an almost unrecognizable Riverdale

With Archie’s return and FP’s appointment as sheriff, it’s looking like the town with pep is a thing of the past. It’s a whole new Riverdale, folks.

It’s a whole new Riverdale these days. What we once knew as a picturesque little hamlet (where terrible stuff happened but resolved neatly) is now the Wild West. Our little town is almost unrecognizable to us, and there are some major shifts on the way.

Here’s the rundown of the biggest, paradigm-shifting moments from the first half of the season, and where the citizens of Riverdale in the near future:

Molly Ringwald will be back as Mary Andrews

Fans of the show know that when Mary Andrews comes to town, it’s usually to save Archie from some terrible situation he’s created for himself. Molly Ringwald revealed her return on an episode of Couch Surfing on PeopleTV. She couldn’t give us any specifics about script details, claiming she hasn’t quite read it yet.

However, if past is prelude, her presence usually follows some major mistake by Archie. She swoops in to be the voice of reason, but usually just winds up getting ignored. Archie is probably going to do something insanely stupid, again, and his mother will have to clean it up.

Archie is a bad boy now

Getting attacked by a bear and having a near-death induced existential awakening really does a number to a teenage boy. He can’t even enjoy a strawberry shake nowadays. Now that he’s back, with the scars to prove it, he is tougher and meaner (or we’re supposed to believe so anyway) and he’s ready to take on Hiram. If he can survive Mother Nature’s worst, surely he can survive Hiram Lodge.

But it’s not his fearlessness that is different. Apparently now he’s also an alcoholic who casually engages in sex with an ex. That bar scene with him and Veronica was wildly out of character for him, and so was the immediate subsequent breakup. I wouldn’t take Veronica for a booty call, but she proved us wrong.

This new Archie probably won’t be any smarter than the old Archie, even though he’s back in the ginger club. But he will most definitely be more careless. The show is positioning him — through his apparent PTSD, failure to assimilate after juvie, and his carelessness about his SATs — as a more hardened version of the Archie-kins we used to know. This is going to prove taxing on his relationships, including that with Jughead, now that Jug’s so closely connected to the law.

FP is the sheriff now

Speaking of the law, Hermione just appointed FP sheriff, because that’s how it works in Riverdale?(!!) The law enforcement officers are dropping like flies over there, so Hermione takes it upon herself to align with FP.

This is interesting in about a million different ways. But for the most drama and intrigue for our buck, I bet this reveals a decades-old alliance that has something to do with the Midnight Club. I don’t think we’ve seen these two interact very much in the past, so I’m sure the writers have something up their sleeve to connect these two characters’ pasts.

This also means that the Serpents will finally be the good guys of this narrative. They’ve been redeeming their riff-raff reputation, slowly but surely, but now’s their time. It’s them versus Hiram (if he makes it out alive) and we’re meant to root for them.

Hiram is shot

I think we all know Hiram had it coming, and that he will, indeed recover just fine. But we’re supposed to wonder whodunnit. If you haven’t figured it out yet, it’s his mistress, played by wife-in-real-life Kelly Ripa. There’s been publicity shots of Ripa holding a (literal) smoking gun. She’s mad, folks, and now we get to watch Hiram get his comeuppance, albeit temporary.

This is just the latest proof that Riverdale needs stricter gun laws, and should do better about home security. As excited as I am to see the one and only Kelly Ripa’s arms arrive on the scene, this is also gonna make him even more unpopular. Let’s just see Hermione stand by her man after this.

Veronica and Reggie are a thing now

Veronica isn’t a real “stand by your man” kinda lady either, as it seems. Her little tryst with Archie at the Bonne Nuit isn’t enough to convince her that it wasn’t Archie that shot her father. And that was enough to drive a wedge sharp enough to send her right back to Reggie’s big, strong arms.

As a romantic development, this is pretty lackluster. Reggie lacks any real sort of personality to make us ‘ship him and Veronica. But as a catalyst for New Archie’s rage and jealousy? It has real promise. Sure… Archie’s all cool now, but let’s just wait until he gets an eyeful of their canoodling and he can’t contain himself. If Archie can fight off a bear, imagine what he can do to a human haircut like Reggie? Let the games begin.

Betty can’t go to college

Thanks to a brainwashed Alice, Betty’s money is one big tax write off for the Farm now. Alice, the sneaky little minx that she is, forged Betty’s father’s signature and took the fortune right down the road to Edgar Evernever. I didn’t realize Betty was sitting on such a pile of money, but now that we know she lost it, we can be sure she’s going to sleuth her way out of it.

Now that Betty is involved, and highly motivated by a giant pile of cash, we can really get to the bottom of this whole suspect Farm business. It’s obvious there is something shady going on, but now that Betty is on the case, we’re sure to get all the juicy scoop on this creepy B-plot.

Meet me back here every Thursday for a little bit of Riverdale post-gaming, a lot of snark, and totally unsubstantiated speculating.