Riverdale review: The ’90s were tough for us all

Riverdale sends us back in time for some much-needed insight about the Gargoyle King and some much-beloved origins stories. This Riverdale review is a ’90s delight.

To claim “Chapter Thirty-Nine: The Midnight Club” was much anticipated might be a bit of an understatement. Especially for this ’90s kid who cares almost as much about the parent squad as the actual gang, and every single Riverdale review has pretty much proved it.

Riverdale sends us back in time as our main teens play younger versions of their parents to help us get a handle on this Gryphons and Gargoyles thing, and unsettle us with the moms and dads’ backstories.

Alice Cooper delivers the story, at Betty’s behest Breakfast Club-style, and unfolds a tale of a handful of students forced together by detention, but bound together by a huge secret. In other words, Alice lays it all out for Betty: how G&G came to Riverdale High in the first place, the circumstances of the first blue-lipped murder, and why the game is so dangerous.

Here are some of the major revelations:

Role reversals

Hold on to your hats, Riverheads, but F.P. wasn’t always the greasy Serpent we met in the early days of season one. In fact, a young FP acts much more similar to a young Archie, with his letterman’s jacket and penchant for the ladies. F.P. doesn’t turn heel until his jack-wagon of an abusive dad forces him to stay and join the Serpents instead of going to college.

Although the show has hinted at Alice’s past from the wrong side of the tracks, little did we know she had so much Serpent pride. In fact, during the young parents’ game of Secrets and Sins, she outs F.P. for pretending to be from the Northside when he really lives in the Southside trailer park.

I always thought F.P. was the one that dragged Alice into the Serpents after he secretly knocked her up, but it turns out Alice was Serpent OG. That is, until she dissented pretty quickly after their bouts with G&G, trading her leathers in for pink tweed and tricking an unsuspecting future serial killer into marrying her.

Crushed dreams

Fred Andrews might be the steady, dependable townie in modern-day Riverdale, but when he was young he had dreams, man. Big dreams. He played guitar. He was going places.

But it turns out, having your invalid dad — the dad you’ve been caring for months — die while you’re high on fizzle rock, role-playing around school, can really take its toll on the spirit. After the fateful night of the ascension party, Fred “sold his guitar and started breaking rocks for the family business” and the lifeblood has been draining out of him ever since.

Even his little tryst with a young Hermione was fleeting, as she made some very questionable romantic choices in the name of Hiram Lodge, who was slinging drugs even in his junior year of high school. Even back then, Hiram was slimy and dodgy, purring “Mi amor” into Hermione’s ear as he drapes her with pearls. She had no idea what she was trading in for that sleaze-monster. But we do, don’t we folks?

Riverdale has always been super incest-y

In one of the biggest revelations of the night, we learn that Cheryl’s mother, Penelope, was adopted from the nightmare orphanage by (her future husband) Clifford’s parents. They lined the little orphan red-headed girls up, and chose which 8-year old kid was going to be groomed for sex slavery and took sweet Penelope home to Thornhill. Penelope confessed to the Midnight Club during their game of Secrets and Sins that the Blossoms wanted a sibling for Clifford for now, and a “lifelong companion” for him for later.

This was perhaps the most head-scratching moment of the whole night, and gave me such a thrill to know Riverdale is still capable of putting my jaw on the floor. I love you, Blossoms. Never change.

Racism

We know that (former mayor) Sierra McCoy and (former sheriff) Tom Keller are hot for each other now a days, but who knew they were star-crossed lovers? Sweet and in love, the two had to keep their high school relationship a secret because their parents are giant racists. They break up in the flashback, hoping things will be better someday. I hate to break it to them…

Meanwhile, back in 2018

After word spread around about G&G, and all those “scripture” booklets were distributed, it’s apparently all the rage. After Alice’s story time with Betty, the dangers of the game start to become apparent. In a really dumb move, indicating she’s never met a teenager, Mayor Hermione bans the game. She says it incites paranoia and violence, and stresses to the kids to stay away from it. Because don’t all high schoolers listen to authority?

Betty is really the only one with her head on straight because she promises her mother she won’t play, although she will continue to investigate. Because Betty. In her Nancy Drew zeal, she stumbles upon Jughead and a group playing the game, already seemingly under its spell. Jughead gives her the crazy eyes when he says, cryptically, “All of this is becoming clear. It’s only a matter of time until I ascend.” Dammit, Jughead. You too?

Moments fresh from the ’90s

I imagine most of the writers’ room grew up in and around the ’90s, so some of these pop culture references and Easter Eggs are just too good not to acknowledge.

The title card of this episode looks remarkable like another favorite high school show, Saved By The Bell. To quote another ’90s heroine, “I’m so excited. I’m so …. scared.”

Anthony Michael Hall, an original Breakfast Club-er, plays the disgruntled principal who also assigns a 1000 word essay to the group in detention. Mr. Featherhead’s gruesome death may be a deviation from the ’80s classic, but it firmly cements the nod to the John Hughes movie.

Both Cole Sprouse and KJ Apa are channeling the older characters’ younger self pretty well. Sprouse’s young FP looks strikingly similar to Skeet Ulrich’s character in Scream-greasy bangs to boot. Apa gets right to the heart of Luke Perry’s titular character Dylan McKay, giant hair, broody scowl and all. He’s even perfected the “bad boy” lean Dylan made famous during his days on Beverly Hills, 90210.

Penelope Blossom drops a Heathers reference, and then straight up quotes a line from the movie. Also, in their first day in detention, and even works in a line uttered by her daughter in the first episode. Both Cheryl and Penelope tell their respective groups, “I’m in the mood for a little chaos.”

When it comes to the music, this episode can’t really decide if it’s positioned in the ’80s or ’90, but no complaints here. With contributions from Tears for Fears, David Bowie, and A-Ha, it’s a pretty rad compilation.

Join me here every week as I run down the major happenings in all things Riverdale. In the meantime, tweet me (@SundiSRose) your thoughts, theories, hopes and dreams for Riverdale season 3.