Riverdale review: mocktails, blue lips, and a prison fight club

Riverdale delivers a huge tease, as the kids start to uncover the town’s latest, and darkest, secret yet. Maybe it’s the parents we have to worry about now.

Only three episodes into the third season, and Riverdale is taking some narrative risks. This season feels like the good ol’ days, and the camp-to-mystery ratio is reaching a perfect pitch. There are three main storylines in “Chapter Thirty-Eight: As Above, So Below,” although the writers are really packing the plot points in.

Blue Lips

Of course, the A-plot centers around the mystery of the Gargoyle King and the related role-playing game of Griffins and Gargoyles (G&G, for the initiated). The episode opens with a few disturbing images, the least of which is Alice and FP, in bed. This is not the worst of the bunch, however, and the scene quickly flips to a creepily similar tableau of Jughead and Betty in a similar repose. Even worse than this parent/kid sex parallel is that they are piled up in dead Dilton’s bunker, wallowing around on a (most likely) filthy mattress.

At least Betty has the wherewithal to acknowledge how not okay their presence is here, but Jughead finds inspiration. He realizes that every game has a play book, and has the bright idea to hit up Ethel to get it. Betty is assigned the strange Farm rep, Evelyn, and they both set about on their gumshoe duties.

Jughead thinks the best way to get info out of Ethel is to play the game. He happens to be right, but then she lures him down to the sex/death bunker, and when he arrives, she is fully decked in her G&G outfit. No shade to the roleplayers out there, but it’s a disturbing sight. In order for Jug to be “worthy” of the game’s “scripture,” he has to flip a coin and drink from one of the two Fresh-Aid cups, both blue, but one having cyanide in it.

You guessed it, he gets the good one, and Ethel gets the poison one, and they both get blue lips. Jughead saves Ethel from her suicide attempt, but she continues down her creep-spiral, spouting all kinds of cryptic cult-jargon. Turns out, her plan wasn’t to just off herself. She disseminated the rule book/scripture to every kid in town, thwarting FP and Alice’s plan to burn it and be done with the whole matter.

While Jughead is busy cavorting in the sex dungeon, Betty is cozying up to Evelyn, pretending to join the Farm’s satellite club at the high school. Evelyn and Betty chat about Ethel’s seizures, Betty feigns concerns about all the meds Ethel has to take, and her reluctance to take them for her own bouts with seizures. What’s the deal, here, Riverdale? Is nobody worried about these teenagers having seizures all the time? How about let’s call a doctor.

Betty’s pretend interest in the Farm leads her to a meeting at her own house, in which a bunch of gauzily-clad ladies sit around giving their “testimonies.” It’s here that Betty realizes that Alice has spilled the beans about Chic and the Shady Man, thus implicating Betty, FP, and Jughead. Oh, Alice. You’re better than this.

Being the crack detective that she is, Betty pieces together that Alice knows about G&G and the Gargoyle King, and digs her heels in. If Nancy Drew and True Detective can’t get to the bottom of this, no one can. Hat tip to Cheryl for wedging in both those references in a single line of dialogue – you’re the real MVP, girl.

A Prison Fight Club

Of all the ways Riverdale has tried to make Archie “happen,” I’ll admit, I’m most excited by this one. The Warden deemed him the “new Mad Dog” last week, but we didn’t realize until this episode that meant being the star of the juvie Fight Club. While I think this just might be yet another excuse to feature shirtless dudes who are super jacked, it’s also an opportunity for us to learn something about Archie. Apparently, and without any prior knowledge or exposition of this matter, Archie is a darn good fighter. Who knew?

I mean… I guess we got some hints of it with his super agro Black Circle stuff last season, but we could never have guessed that he could knock a whole ass man out cold with a one-two punch. Now we know.

The warden isn’t so happy about this (it’s not as entertaining for a fight to only go one round, you see.) So, Archie devises a plan to get beat up for five rounds, and then knock his opponent out with the now-famous uppercut. It’s plain to see that prison isn’t making Archie any smarter.

In fact, he might be getting dumber. He smashes a bottle of rum the warden gave him as a reward, and then vows to escape using a rock hammer he found in some of Mad Dog’s hand-me-downs. It begs the question: where the heck is he gonna go? He better hit up Sabrina the Teenage Witch in neighboring Greendale if he hopes to stay hidden for long.

Sigh. Archie, just stick to taking your shirt off and doing what Veronica tells you to.

Mocktails

After this episode, and the opening of Veronica’s speakeasy, Bonne Nuit, you might need reminding that these folks are still in high school. Yes, an eleventh grader has singlehandedly opened a nightclub underneath the diner she also owns and intends to run it when she’s not worrying about SATs and cheerleading practice. You gotta hand it to Riverdale. They never fail to test our willingness to suspend our disbelief.

The big story here is that Veronica’s father is trying to shake his own daughter down. He first sends Penny Peabody with attempts at intimidation and offers of “protection” from the Ghoulies. And then the Sheriff shows up, nosing around, hoping to find the planted boxes of Jingle Jangle.

Veronica fights back, blackmailing her own father with the threat of exposing his drug trade to the FBI, and I swear I think Hiram is proud of her. This family, guys. I mean, all in one day, both Hiram and Veronica threaten extortion and violence to each other, and then daddy comes to daughter’s bedroom to say goodnight. What is Thanksgiving going to be like at their house?

The best part of this episode was all the obscure little Easter eggs. The best of the best is when Kevin jokes about the password to the speakeasy is “Stonewall.” (Kids, ask your parents).

Next week promises big fun, as the actors take on their characters’ parents. I’m so hyped to see KJ Apa strain to get a young Luke Perry right. Wonder if he studied old Beverly Hills, 90210 tapes. Breath officially bated.

Join us here every week as we run down the major happenings in all things Riverdale. In the meantime, let us know your thoughts, theories, hopes and dreams for Riverdale season 3 in the comments!