Riverdale review: The kids are definitely not alright

No rest for the wicked. The Riverdale gang can barely catch their breath before having to deal with ritualistic murder and institutionalized anarchy.

Riverdale is coming out swinging in its third season. If you thought the Black Hood was bad, you better buckle up, because things are about to get dark.

According to the new and far more creepy morgue-guy, Dilton’s injuries are the result of something way more “darker than what the Black Hood did” and that this new big bad is “the face of evil.” Forgetting this guy’s flair for the melodramatic for just a moment, we can recognize this early scene sets the tone for “Chapter 37: Fortune and Men’s Eyes.”

Archie Tries to Win Jail, but Then Hiram

The episode title, as it appears in needlepoint (nice touch, Riverdale) hangs on the wall of the warden’s office at the Leopold and Lobe boys correctional facility. The warden confirms it’s from Shakepeare (it is indeed, from Sonnet 29), but he fails to reference the 1967 play of the same name. The play, Fortune and Men’s Eyes, is about a 17 year old boy who is sentenced to 6 months in a youth reformatory, and it involves issues of sexual slavery as well as sexuality in a more general sense.

Archie’s Longest Yard

Archie’s experience in jail is just as ill conceived as his time as Hiram’s lieutenant and his ring-leader days. At first, he’s rejected by the Serpents (despite his very fresh and obviously brand new tattoo) because he won’t “shank” a Ghoulie. Showing no gratitude for the solid Archie did them, a gang of Ghoulies beat him up and take his shoes.

Archie’s pluck and can-do attitude won’t be deterred, however. Ignoring the advice of his cell-mate and (unfortunately very archetypical) roommate, Mad Dog, Archie plans to solve all the problems concerning racial, social, economical, and historically intrinsic problems among the inmates with a good ol’ fashioned game of football.

Channeling every movie he’s ever seen about high school football, he tells the inmates that they’ve never experienced “the triumphs and defeats, the epic highs and lows, of football.” He says this, quite literally, after one Ghoulie confesses to dropping out of school in the fourth grade to take care of his nana. But sure, a game of prison football should take care of all that, right?

It does not, in fact, take care of anything, since Hiram has the guards in his pocket, and instructs them to break up the game using brute force. It gets real Cool Hand Luke on the prison compound, while Hiram stands just outside twirling his (metaphorical) villain’s mustache.

Jailhouse Rock

As much as Riverdale is painting Archie as this very short-sighted, privileged lunkhead, they are drawing his devoted girlfriend, Veronica, in similarly unflattering ways. Singularly focused on keeping Archie’s seat warm at school, she comes to visit him every week, hopelessly upbeat and talking to him about everything that doesn’t  matter at all. She rallies the Vixens to give a way too on-the-nose performance of “Jailhouse Rock” outside the prison gates, as Archie-kins goes the longest yard with his cellies. Archie is trying to avoid prison beat-downs, and Veronica wants to shake it for him and chat about student body president.

Speaking of the River Vixens, why isn’t Riverdale giving Cheryl more than sidekick status? We get scraps, when we should be getting thick, juicy storylines about her and Toni and her newfound archery skills. I feel robbed. But Riverdale giveth, and it taketh away.

Hot Dad Coalition

For instance, right now, the show is giving us this whole Gargoyle King deal, and I am so pumped about it. It’s creepy and weird, and it’s Riverdale doing their best work. Plus, it’s a chance for the Hot Dad Coalition to reconvene. In fact, all the hot parents are in on this action because apparently they have their own Gargoyle secrets. Although “that night” (whatever that means) is supposed to be mum’s the word, they’re gonna have to talk about it now. You know, since folks are dying and all.

They’re about to be forced to ‘fess up by Betty and Jughead — two amateur sleuths that routinely forget they’re high school students and not seasoned CIA agents. Seriously, the nerve of these two just waltzing right into Ben Button’s hospital room to question him about Dilton and his weird proclivities. I kind of don’t blame the Sheriff for being so salty. Who do they think they are?

Cult Vibes

On the other hand, they routinely do a better job at getting to the bottom of things than local reinforcement, and this Gargoyle thing is no exception. While I’m happy Riverdale is giving Ethel more to do, I’m not sure I want her to be some cult sycophant, because that’s what it’s shaping up to be, you know.

I’m getting some major cult vibes, people. Alice and Polly are all snuggled up, fireside, at the farm with “huckster” Edgar Evernever (I love you, Riverdale writers.)  Ethel and Ben seem mighty invested in this Gryphons and Gargoyles game, and they are talking a lot about the “kingdom” and “ascendance.” I’m no Bughead, but I can draw my own conclusions.

Betty and Jughead are getting a lot more than vibes, however. They actually see the Gargoyle King in the woods. It’s big and woody, and has leafy, giant wings and maybe a beak. It seems the King might even talk to Ethel a little bit. She tells Cheryl about “a big winged creature,” and Ethel is quick to warn Bughead that he’d get mad if they spoke to adults.

Ethel and Ben have the inside track when it comes to the new villain. Too bad Ethel is silenced by a seizure (similar to the one Betty had) and Ben tosses himself out of the hospital window. It’s not too bad, however, for Betty and Jug because they’re in love and they want to smooch and hug their way through this mystery.

Archie won’t last much longer in prison, even though he’s been handpicked by the Warden to do his bidding. I will guess that Veronica’s little plan to involve the Innocence project will yield a lot more than an occasion to wear a dumb blond wig, and Archie will get out sooner rather than later.

More on the culty-ness of it all and Betty’s possible addiction to Adderall, next week.

Join me here every week as I run down the major happenings in all things Riverdale. In the meantime, tweet me (@SundiSRose) your thoughts, theories, hopes and dreams for Riverdale season 3.