John Oliver explains the crazy world of corporate taxes just in time for Tax Day

John Oliver talks corporate taxes on Last Week Tonight, which is more interesting than you think. Also, a Blockbuster store is in for a strange surprise.

On Last Week Tonight, John Oliver was all ready to talk about taxes, or “essentially, the government’s GoFundMe page”. Despite this simple explanation, though, tax law can get confusing and frustrating for many.

Take Cardi B, who posted a video in which she worried about the end result of all that tax money. “What is y’all doing with my [explitive] money?” she wondered. . . . You know, besides the infrastructure and healthcare stuff.

Recently, the situation has become even more fraught, with the passage of a tax reform bill late last year. While Republicans and President Trump often went on and on (and on) about how the revamped laws would help “the little guy,” the truth of the situation is less rosy.

According to Oliver, “The biggest tax rate cuts by far actually goes to businesses,” rather than the blue-collar workers that did or did not for Trump.

Those cuts aren’t enough for all businesses, however. Some large corporations have actually paid far less than 35 percent in taxes in the past. GE once paid — get ready for it — zero dollars in taxes. In fact, between 2008 and 2015, 18 large companies paid absolutely no taxes over that entire period. Yes, that includes GE.

So, for tonight, “We thought we’d give you just a glimpse of the length that companies will go to to avoid paying taxes,” Oliver said. And there are plenty of lengths to which they will go.

Some tax-avoiding tactics include the move of headquartering your company in a different country. One CEO who moved his business to Central America termed this move the “Panama Scoot.” Don’t ask your mom about that one, okay?

Tech companies try to cover their tracks

It’s not just money that companies move around the globe, though. Other assets, like patents, logos, recipes, and formulas, can be moved across seas. Even algorithms can be simply transferred to something like a Swiss vault. While that move doesn’t necessarily make an algorithm Swiss altogether, it does take advantage of some serious tax loopholes.

Mention of algorithms is especially relevant. “The best innovators in weasely accounting have arguably been tech companies,” he told the audience. Apple, for instance, has about $269 billion dollars hiding out overseas.

Apple CEO Tim Cook claimed that Apple paid all its taxes and that they “don’t stash money on some Caribbean island.” Technically, this is true, as all their money was actually stashed in Ireland at the time. When Ireland started to change its tax policies, Apple scooted on over to the Isle of Jersey in the English Channel.

Meanwhile, Google “sent its money on something of a world tour.” Google’s money moved to Ireland, the Netherlands, and Bermuda. That’s called the “double Irish with a Dutch sandwich.” Don’t ask your partner to do that tonight and seriously don’t ask your mom about that one, either.

Google CFO Patrick Pichette claimed that “we pay every penny of tax that we owe to everybody, everywhere.” This statement, made at a conference, was greeted by incredulous laughter from audience members. That reaction probably does not inspire confidence in anyone but Pichette and his colleagues.

Strangely enough, this situation outlines a bit of a silver lining in the tax reform bill. Under new regulations, companies essentially have to pay taxes on their overseas funds. Well, kind of. Rates for those accounts have been slashed by anywhere from 8 to 15 percent.

What’s the point of the tax bill, then?

So, with all of these deep discounts and rather devious maneuvers, why should the U.S. government give companies an even bigger break? Somehow, it has to do with jobs.

Secretary Treasury Steve Mnuchin (whom Oliver described as distractingly handsome; never mind that Oliver and Mnuchin go to the same suit maker, hairdresser, and, by the looks of it, family reunions) had something to say about that. He says that giving companies a break on taxes will lead to job creation. But “anything, theoretically, can lead to jobs,” said Oliver.

He actually had something of a test case for this claim in the 2004 American Jobs Creation Act. Under this act, companies would enjoy an extended tax holiday, all in an attempt to bring back jobs. However, the Senate found that jobs at those companies only sagged downward over the next few years. Corporations instead decided to reward existing shareholders with buybacks and dividends.

Yes, it’s true that Apple has recently added about 20,000 jobs. However, it’s also true that they were probably going to happen anyway. This isn’t sour grapes, either, unless you count it as such when coming from the mouth of CEO Tim Cook. In an interview shown on Last Week Tonight, he essentially copped to this. But, he said, “To me, this is about America. It’s not about which bucket you put things in.” Awful convenient viewpoint.

Ultimately, our tax code is riddled with loopholes. It does next to nothing to benefit pipe fitters and machinists and Cardi B. “To those companies,” Oliver said, “I say this: on behalf of America, please enjoy this double Irish with a Dutch sandwich.”

Alaska brings it back from the brink

If that’s got you down (and how could it not?), then stick around for a more pleasing end to the episode. Oliver starts off by relating the story of the last few remaining Blockbusters in the U.S., most of which are in Alaska. It kind of makes sense, once you realize that internet coverage, and therefore streaming service, is pretty spotty there.

However, there’s trouble brewing in the northernmost state. With internet access improving, fewer and fewer people are likely to make it all the way to the Anchorage Blockbuster. What they need, said Oliver, is some sort of attraction.

This, believe it or not, ties into Russell Crowe’s recent auction titled The Art of Divorce. Stick with it for a bit, here. It turns out that the leather jockstrap worn by Crowe’s character in Cinderella Man (2005) sold for around $7,000.

Who would be that foolish to pay thousands of dollars for the sweaty, sweaty smell of Russell Crowe’s nether regions? Certainly not Last Week Tonight.

Next: John Oliver talks about the danger of crisis pregnancy centers

Except, well, yes. They totally did just that. That’s not all they bought, either. Oliver went through a mini museum exhibit (complete with lit cases and oversized portraits of Crowe) showcasing all of their purchases.

Why do all of this? Well, for the bravest Blockbuster of all. The Anchorage store manager only needs to call Last Week Tonight to claim their latest tourist attraction. Hopefully, that will bring in more numbers — as long as they can properly contain that leather jockstrap.