Enough with the kid stuff, Riverdale, let the adults talk

In a stellar episode, Riverdale proves it’s not just a show about teenagers anymore. Grown-up Riverdale is where the real good stuff is.

I won’t call it a come back just yet, but Riverdale (again) delivers some darn good TV in “Chapter Thirty: The Noose Tightens.” Sure, we came for the Archie/Jughead/Betty/Veronica familiarity, but we are consistently staying for the FP/Alice/Mary/Fred/Hermione/Hiram buzz.

Riverdale, regrettably, continues to double down on Archie-as-a-mobster, and apparently, now he’s a violent fascist. He and his Bulldog goon squad go to work as henchmen to execute Hiram’s dirty work.  *sigh* It’s dumb, for sure, but it makes for some priceless moments as the people around him react to completely unearned bravado.

That especially goes for Hiram and his gorgeous, expressive eyebrows. It’s strange that he’s the last one to know that Archie is completely worthless and can’t be left unsupervised, but we’ll forgive him of anything because of that gorgeous skin and those white teeth.

Hiram continues to put his trust in Archie, which is ridiculous, but man is Mark Consuelos giving us good “mobster-lite.” He’s so cool in his dark suits and perfectly styled hair that butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. This mobster business is silly, and (I can’t believe I’m saying this) I long for the days when he was just your run-of-the-mill, smarmy, crooked businessman.

The real story here, folks, is the palpable sexual tension between FP and Alice. I’ve long been shipping these two, and I would watch the hell out of a Serpent spinoff starring this sexy duo.

Even after Alice’s harrowing week being held hostage and dealing with the riff-raff connected to Shady Man’s car, she is bringing it. Madchen Amick is a goddess, and I have an insane crush on her. Couple her undeniable, onscreen spark with Skeet Ulrich’s broody dreaminess, and you get an outright fire.

Alice gets all my respect after her heartfelt thank you to the Serpents — they did save her and Betty, after all — but I’m downright jealous of her moments with FP. Have you seen a sexier scene between two love interests than FP throwing out his gum after he lets her in the door? That is golden, and I’m here for it all.

Mary Andrews is also in the race for “Riverdale’s most badass mom.” Hopefully, she’s here to stay since she’s the only one willing to turn Archie over her knee. She’s super sweet to support her ex-husband’s mayoral campaign, but she has no time for Archie’s nonsense.

Mary is speaking for us all when she asks Archie, “Who are you?” Yes, girl. Get him. Someone needs to tell Archie (and the writers) that you can’t be the Archie we all know and love from the American classic AND wear black masks to set off car bombs. That’s not how any of this works.

If we’re going to talk about the adults, we must talk about Nana Rose and her Misery-crawl to the phone. This is why I love, Riverdale, and why I will never not watch this show. I mean, this is just too good:

Nana winds up saving the day, alerting Toni and Veronica to Cheryl’s whereabouts and, thankfully, ending this conversion camp storyline. Of course, Uncle Claudius ends Nana Rose’s storyline, but she went out with a bang. She was no match for Penelope Blossom’s whole “Victorian villain” vibe.

I know I’m loving the grown-ups this week, but here are some (really, really) great moments that aren’t adult-related:

• Jughead bursting through the Coopers’ door to save his with the Serpents at his back. I love it!

• That kiss. I cried actual, real tears when Toni and Cheryl stood in front of that creepy, Pleasantville-esque PSA. It was super sweet, although a bit problematic, knowing what we know about Cheryl’s obsession with Josie. But that’s a problem for another episode. Just let me enjoy this:

• Veronica and Toni’s wildly inappropriate but sexy AF caper clothes. I’m not sure how much mobility they have in their catsuits and mesh shirts, but I’ll take it.

• Although I’m a little ashamed to admit it, this shameless display of toxic masculinity was hot. Archie may be a terrible criminal, son, friend and henchmen, but he’s got those arms.

Related Story: Forget Archie, Riverdale’s real star is its melodrama

Catch up on Riverdale on the CW app and website, and then head back here for our post-Riverdale rehash and confab.