Things on Riverdale more interesting than Archie being in the mob

This show is desperately trying to make their mafia drama happen, but here are all the things on Riverdale more interesting than Archie being in the mob.

No matter how silly or unbelievable an Archie-as-mob-associate seems to be, Riverdale is committed to it. As a fan, I’m willing to suffer through this because there’s so much else to root for. Here are all the things on Riverdale more interesting than Archie being in the mob.

All things Cheryl

Seriously, Cheryl Blossom is like Riverdale’s ace in the hole. Anytime things get a little too tedious — Archie and Hiram’s blood oath, Veronica as mob capo, Papa Poutine — Riverdale keeps us on the hook by giving us this treasure.

Introduced as the resident mean girl, Cheryl immediately transcended the TV trope.  By offering snarky, insightful commentary about the world around her she became an immediate fan fave. We came for the dead brother plot, but stayed because she is just so damn watchable, not to mention GIFable.

Since those early days, she’s significantly transformed from the Greek chorus. She’s now one of the most reliably interesting and intriguing characters on the show. Now that’s she’s inherited all her dead daddy’s money, she’ practically unstoppable. Riverdale would be remiss in not exploring how this money will affect her dynamic with her prostitute mother and long lost, evil twin Uncle.

Most importantly, this burgeoning romance with Toni is arguably the most exciting thing we’ve seen on Riverdale since the Black Hood stole Christmas. Choni has the potential to be the hottest new couple on this series.

It’s got all the necessary elements of a saucy romance: star-crossed lovers, deep-seated emotional pain, a wrong-side-of-the-tracks vibe, and two unreasonably gorgeous people. Forget that redheaded dummy and his mob-daughter wannabe girlfriend; serve us up this steamy romance.

Fred and FP: A Bromance

I probably sound like a broken record, always strumming my love for these two hot-dads, but hear me out. I know Archie and Jughead are positioned as the hunky leads of this show, but they don’t have the chops to carry the dreamboat role. You know who does? Skeet Ulrich and Luke Perry. They know their way around a teen drama, and they deliver. Every single time.

Now that Fred’s mayoral run is over, and his blockhead son has chosen sides against him, it makes sense he would take up with FP and Jughead’s crusade to uncover Hiram’s schemes. Let’s pair these two old friends together and watch their onscreen chemistry melt our faces off.

I can’t take one more hyperbolic monologue from Jughead, or another too-earnest-for-his-own good Archie oath, but I can certainly root for these two to take back Riverdale.

Kevin’s Search for Love

Why is Kevin Keller reduced to the diminishing “gay best friend” trope when he’s bursting at the seams with personality and charisma? Riverdale has dabbled a little with his potential — that trolling for dudes storyline was nicely done — but they just can’t seem to work him in among all the organized crime and will readings. This, Riverheads, is the true shame.

A few episodes we got some awkward moments between Kevin and Moose, with Midge a witness, but to what end? Is Riverdale toying with a for-real romance between Kevin and Moose, or is this just them throwing us a bone? It’s a mean trick to offer us a little hope, and then just leave it at that.

Kevin deserves a boyfriend, and I won’t stop campaigning until he gets one. Stop using him as the token gay to execute your schemes (looking at you, Betty), and give me something real.

Hermione’s Political Future (minus her husband)

Riverdale has mostly been faithful to its female characters — using them to buck television archetypes and tired tropes, and this could be a super fun way to continue this legacy. Hermione as mayor could be super fun to watch, as long as her smarmy husband doesn’t hijack her glory.

Giving Hermione something more to do than stand silently by and nod approvingly could prove the exact right move for this show. The writers have written Hiram so large and foreboding, making his shadow so long, that Veronica and Hermione can’t seem to find their own light. This could be big for Hermione.

Before Hiram came back to Riverdale, she was a real go-getter, hustling to make her own money and re-establish her place in the town. Now, she’s just a mob wife whose not allowed to have an opinion of her own. Don’t waste this opportunity, Riverdale.

The Truth About Chic

Speaking of big opportunities, this Chic situation is brimming with possibilities. We know he’s hiding something about his DNA. Wouldn’t it be great if Riverdale just really dove into their weirdness and made it something completely jaw-dropping?

On the milder end, they could make him FP and Alice’s lovechild, connecting Jughead and Betty in a really incest-adjacent way. Going a little farther, they could really head into the supernatural territory and make him a vampire or zombie — connecting him to the new, upcoming Sabrina series.

I’m trying to manage my expectations about this Chic business since the show has been working so hard to manipulate my feelings about him. But it’s hard. He’s like a Dave Franco Halloween costume and I want it to get weird. PLEASE let it get weird.

If Riverdale desperately needs to read the room on this Archie as mob guy business, and play to their strengths. “Chapter Twenty-Nine: Primary Colors” has promise, if it’s title is any indication.

Catch up on Riverdale on the CW app and website, and then head back here for our post-Riverdale rehash and confab.