Victoria’s Christmas special should have been called Royal Family Feud
Sure, there is “Comfort & Joy” eventually, but most of the Victoria Christmas special’s runtime goes toward the most sacred of holiday traditions: family drama.
Victoria‘s Christmas special — like most UK Christmas specials I’ve seen — is weird. It alternates between scenes so ham-fistedly sentimental they made The Yule Log look subtle and grounded plotlines meant to push the show’s overall story forward. At least said plotlines prevent “Comfort & Joy” from being a total mess. I honestly could not care less about Victoria saving Albert from the perilous ice skating rink, but I’m always here for family drama.
Luckily for me, there is no shortage of familial conflict in “Comfort & Joy.” Here are breakdowns of the many royal family feuds featured in the episode, as well as each fight’s winner. Note: I decided the winners based on who I think is right (or less wrong) in a given confrontation — ergo, it’s a flawless method, obviously.
Victoria v. Albert
The situation: Albert invites Victoria’s mother to the palace for Christmas without asking Victoria or even warning her. Also, things have been a little tense between the Queen and Prince since “The Luxury of Conscience,” when Victoria sent Lehzen away because, you know, Albert can’t stand her. To make things more tense, Albert is pushing Christmas down everyone’s throats and Victoria takes in a young orphan without considering how it would affect her husband or their children. For his part, Albert kind of decides sight unseen that he will not accept Sarah into the family.
The sickest burn: “Well, I have learned from experience, Victoria, it is not beneficial to discuss things with you when you are like this.” — Albert, knowing the best way to make a woman emotional is to tell her not to be emotional.
The winner: Victoria. Albert has some good points, but you don’t interfere in your wife’s relationship with her parents. Ever. Especially when you’ve quasi-forced your wife to send her beloved surrogate mother away.
Albert v. Uncle Leopold
The situation: Despite being German, Albert acts very British and invites his uncle Leopold to Christmas even though they aren’t getting along. The reason they aren’t getting along is because Leopold previously revealed he might actually be Albert’s biological father. (For some inexplicable reason, Leopold let this slip shortly after Albert buried the man who raised him.)
The sickest burn: “I invited you because it is Christmas. And you are part of this family. But that does not mean I wish to speak to you.” — Albert, making every WASP who ever lived proud.
The winner: Albert. Leopold, you don’t get to drop a bombshell like that and expect everyone to be fine with it. You’re lucky Albert hasn’t banished you from England.
Victoria v. Her Mother
The situation: Oh, the beef between Victoria and her mother, the Duchess of Kent, is too complicated to explain here. To make a long story short, Victoria has always blamed the Duchess for her loneliness as a child and feels (not unjustly) that the Duchess put her own ambition ahead of what was best for Victoria. Victoria’s mother, in turn, maintains she did the best she could and believes Victoria is simply ungrateful.
The sickest burn: “I thought that now Baroness Lehzen has left, that you might need another companion.” — The Duchess, gifting her daughter a parrot and punching way below the belt.
The winner: Victoria. There are two sides to every story but the Duchess has always been more interested in sticking it to Victoria than making peace. Her crack about Lehzen proves that.
Albert v. Ernest
The situation: Ernest can’t be with the woman he loves because he has syphilis, so he decides to lash out at his brother, who is happily married and happens to be around. Albert gets slightly annoyed when Ernest breaks a handmade ornament. In retaliation, Ernest shatters Albert’s childhood memories of the holidays by revealing that their father kicked their mother out at Christmastime.
The sickest burn: “If by that you mean a Christmas where everyone is miserable but pretending not to be, then I think you are doing splendidly.” — Ernest, in response to Albert’s comment that he wants his kids to have the same kind of Christmas he had as a child.
The winner: Albert. He really didn’t do anything besides be honest about how much he loves the holidays. Ernest is just being cruel.
Ernest v. Uncle Leopold
The situation: Leopold wants to marry off Ernest because that’s apparently his mission in life. Ernest doesn’t want to get married because 1) he has syphilis and doesn’t want to make anyone else sick and 2) is already in love with someone.
The sickest burn: Ernest: “Go away, I am asleep.”
Leopold: “Then I will talk to you in your dreams.”
Ernest: “I believe that is called a nightmare.”
The winner: Ernest. Refusing to marry because you don’t want to spread your as-yet incurable STD is a good thing. Leopold needs to butt out of his nephews’ business.
Victoria v. Uncle Cumberland
The situation: Victoria has a diamond necklace that originally belonged to her grandmother, her uncle Cumberland’s mother. Cumberland wants it back.
The sickest burn: “I would apologize for keeping you waiting except I don’t remember inviting you.” — Victoria, making it clear that she doesn’t like her uncle.
The winner: Cumberland. Victoria, you have mountains of fine jewelry and rule a country. You can spare one necklace without it being the end of the world.
Next: All hail the Duchess of Buccleuch, MVP of Victoria season 2
Who do you think the winners of “Comfort & Joy’s” many family feuds are? Let us know in the comments!