Riverdale parents are the worst

The teenagers get most of the action, but the Riverdale parents are ridiculous and need a real intervention. The kids are definitely not alright.

I’ll admit, Riverdale is one of the shows where the parents are just as hot as the teenagers. Seriously, Riverdale parents can get it all day. They’re beautiful, glossy, and enact as much chaos and mayhem as their wayward teenagers. This makes me feel a little less silly getting so invested in a show about melodramatic teenagers who solve crimes, but it also makes it super apparent how inept they are. They’re worthless, folks.

Fred Andrews

Fred Andrews, played by the very man who singlehandedly informed my teenage sexuality, is the catalyst for the entire second season, but still has a lot to learn about being a reasonable parent.

Even before he was gunned down in the Chocklit shop, he struggled to reach Archie. Sure, it could be that Archie is just a vanilla lump of teenage ennui, but the writers can do better. This week’s “Chapter Sixteen” shows Fred actively ignoring all the PTSD warning bells, laughing off Archie’s suggestion about arming himself. Of course, he’s already bought a gun with a side of jingle jangle, and Fred refuses to see the signs.

Of all the parents on this show, I’d say Fred might not be the most offensive, but he’s certainly the most lifeless. Convalescing or not, he needs to check up on Archie. Left to his own devices, Archie has made an illegal firearm purchase, formed a (mildly homoerotic) vigilante group, and completely abandoned all his extracurriculars. What about those college applications, Fred?

The Lodges

Once the air cleared from the total smoke show that is Hiram Lodge, it became ultimately clear that he’s a real creep. It seems that his sheer proximity is making his wife, Hermione, turn into a jealous shrew that is willing to throw her own daughter under the bus for a little of his attention. He has the air of someone who is always scheming, and his chilly smirk gives me the real creeps.

I can’t understand why Riverdale is trying so hard to make us invest in the relationship between him and Veronica. Did I doze off when they turned a corner from her rage and resentment into her devotion and need for approval? I mean … I completely understand that they are merely setting us up for some big, awful thing he’s going to do. However, to borrow from Hermione, I just need him to “stop being so thirsty.”

Speaking of Hermione, what’s her deal these days? In season 1, she was Veronica’s biggest ally and confidant, and now she’s positioning herself in the world’s weirdest love triangle. Why is she competing for Hiram’s attention? You can’t tell me it’s because she’s become a cartoon villain, even though she’s a total cliché now. And it’s not that she drops in and out of speaking Spanish, mostly to warn and mock her own daughter and offer veiled threats. This shift marks a hard left turn for her character, and I can’t get on board with the change.

Alice Cooper

If I had my way, Betty’s mother Alice would have her own show. I’d have her stop wasting her mean-girl talents on the likes of the Riverdale duds, including that scoop of plain noodles, Hal. As far as parenting goes, Alice is the most proactive of the bunch, even though her style is a little more close-fisted than the rest. She’s a world class smother, but her snarky manipulation is practically the best thing about this show.

She’s definitely solely responsible for her daughters’ issues, and it’s safe to say that Polly’s decision to leave is mostly about her mother. Betty’s whole “rebellion” thing is silly, because she could do a lot worse than to set Alice as your role model. I get it … she’s terrible.

But she gets things done, and it’s no surprise the Black Hood chose her to reveal his motives to. She takes care of business, and is probably the best person in the world to turn to when you need a little forward action. Alice is proof that you can be both completely awful and totally badass. She’s my hero.

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Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET on The CW.