Twin Piques: A Millennial’s Journey Through Twin Peaks (Part 2)

Twin Peaks: Episode 3. Or: “Normally, if a stranger walked into my station talking this kind of crap, he’d be looking for his teeth two blocks up on Queer Street.”

This episode does not start with a Cooper monologue because David Lynch is a cruel god.

Instead, we open on an extremely awkward Warbucks dinner. Uncle Jerry is back! He’s an jerk!

Daddy Warbucks and Uncle Jerry get really into brie baguette sandwiches. Like, really into brie baguette sandwiches. Did they not have brie in 1989?

Daddy Warbucks and Uncle Jerry unceremoniously leave the dining room to go talk about how they’re going to a brothel. I never understood this whole sleeping-with-women-as-a-sibling-bonding activity.

Okay, hold on. Daddy Warbucks and Uncle Jerry leave to go a-brotheling. The camera shows the portrait the brothers are standing in front of–weird, but okay:

(Image via CBS/Showtime)

Then, with no warning and no context, there’s suddenly B-roll of a yacht? Are the brothers on it? Are yachts how people traveled in 1989 small town America?

(Image via CBS/Showtime)

Then there’s a fireplace. No explanation for the yacht, no context. Just a freakin’ fireplace.

(Image via CBS/Showtime)

We see a happy Donna, a happy Donna family, and a happy James. Can I say that I really like how Donna’s mom is in a wheelchair and it isn’t a thing? They’re a happy family, no one has talked about it, there’s no dramatic plot point–she’s just a lovely lady that happens to be in a wheelchair.

Are yachts how people traveled in 1989 small town America?

I also like that Donna’s parents leave them alone together to let be kids be kids, but also remind Donna that she has church the next day. Nicely played, Donna-parents.

Okay, we’re back to the boat. This is indeed how the Warbucks family travels to go to casinos and pick up prostitutes. Brother Warbucks looks like he just rolled out of Brooklyn, to be totally honest:

Welcome to Williamsburg. (Image via CBS/Showtime)

They flip a coin to determine who gets the new prostitute. Charming. 

Donna and James have a heart-to-heart, Cooper tootles on his brand new, freshly-whittled flute. Bobby and his stooge–who I guess is named Shark?–go into the forest, which is always just the best idea. Now we know why Leo was attacking a poor, defenseless football in the last episode: he was supposed to leave some sort of “it” in the football.

Surprise! “It” is coke.

But not all the coke they ordered is in the football! That’s probably because they’re still short the $10,000 that was in Laura’s safety deposit box.

Surprise! Leo’s here, and he’s got a gun. There’s also some dude lurking behind a tree.

“Leo needs a new pair of shoes.” Leo, we already had you established as a jerk. There’s no need to talk about yourself in the third person.

Leo isn’t pleased with the shortchanging. Bobby tries to negotiate, sounding amusingly entrepreneurial. I, a watcher that’s a bit slow on the uptake, re-remember that Bobby’s been hooking up with Leo’s girlfriend, which sounds like a terrible idea. Leo remembers this as well, casually happening to mention that he knows Shelly’s been cheating on him.

Turns out “going out for a pass” actually means “run like the dickens because there’s someone threatening you with a gun.”

Bobby wants to know if Leo knows who’s been hooking up with Shelly. Leo instead suggests that the boys “go out for a pass.”

Bobby is confused. I am also confused.

Turns out “going out for a pass” actually means “run like the dickens because there’s someone threatening you with a gun.”

Even though there are a good 15 seconds of panicked running to Bobby and Shark’s car, Leo still manages to throw the deflated football so it lands on the hood. Which…they leave the football on the hood of the car when they drive away? Littering is a crime, kids.

Bobby then goes to Leo and Shelly’s unfinished house to see Shelly’s poor bruised face. There’s a lot of talk of Leo killing them and Bobby killing Leo. They make out, which is probably pretty painful with cheek-bruises.

So, I thought this episode wasn’t going to get more bizarre than running through the forest with a deflated football nipping at your heels.

I was so, so wrong.

Give the man a pointer. (Image via CBS/Showtime)

The only thing better than Cooper being utterly bizarre–and also surprisingly educated about Tibetan current events–is how into it the Twin Peaks police department is. They all lean forward as one.

(Image via CBS/Showtime)

Also, let us just take a moment to appreciate this shot. The great outdoors, a man with a pointer, and a ton of donuts:

(Image via CBS/Showtime)

What follows is just indescribable, so I’m putting it here in its entirety:

Two things we can all take away from this:

1. There are just too many people in this town whose first or last name start with the letter J.
2. The bottle breaks when they say Leo Johnson’s name.

Then Cooper boops President Sheriff’s nose when are they getting married can I come to the ceremony.

Following a bizarre Audrey dancin’ with herself scene in the diner, we’re back at the police station, where Albert, a high-strung forensics specialist, has arrived. He’s mean to Lucy, who sticks her tongue out at him. I love Lucy.

Most importantly, Cooper puts his hand on President Sheriff’s shoulder for a very long time. Then Cooper boops President Sheriff’s nose when are they getting married can I come to the ceremony.

(Image via CBS/Showtime)

Albert is a jerk, President Sheriff does not take kindly to him impugning his fair town. “Normally,” President Sheriff explains, “if a stranger walked into my station talking this kind of crap, he’d be looking for his teeth two blocks up on Queer Street.”

This, combined with the nose-booping of seconds prior, causes my brain to temporarily short-circuit.

(Though, as Wikipedia informs me, Queer Street is actually associated with Carey Street, the one-time location of London’s bankruptcy courts. How quaint!)

Cooper approves of the dressing-down, resulting in the following image which caused my brain to maybe permanently short-circuit forever:

(Image via CBS/Showtime)

I thought this episode wasn’t going to get more bizarre than running through the forest with a deflated football nipping at your heels. I thought it wasn’t going to get weirder than Cooper throwing rocks at bottles to identify leads.

Y’all. I was still wrong. 

Cooper has a dream sequence that makes me feel like I’m watching some sort of French postmodern noir film. It involves a Little Person and Laura making out with a badly-aged Cooper.

I don’t know. I don’t know anything at this point, okay?

Cooper wakes up and calls his best boy President Sheriff. He sets up a breakfast and says he knows who killed Laura–but that it can wait until breakfast. Priorities!

Other important bits of Episode 3:

• Josie enlists Gone Fishing aka Katherine’s husband to get the keys to the ledger while Katherine is distracted by mink oil. Josie finds two ledgers.
• The bereaved Palmer parents trade mental breakdowns. This includes Leland rubbing his blood onto his daughter’s picture.
• Ed and his wife, Nadine, have a very dysfunctional relationship wherein she is passionate about silent drape runners and him, and he’s passionate about Norma.