Spill It!: Tea and Advice With Auntie Alice


Hi y’all! Welcome to this first edition of Spill It!: Tea and Advice With Auntie Alice. I’m here to tell you the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Judge Judy. Let’s dive in, my ducks!

Auntie Alice:

I’m a single female in my early 40s. I got divorced years ago and recently plunged into the world of online dating on Match dot com. I have messaged with several men, but with little success. Guy #1 started out very excited. We’d talk for an hour every night. He talked all the time about what we’d do when we got together. He sent me flowers. After about three weeks, we went on a date. I’m very old-fashioned about dating, and I expect my date to pick me up and drive me to our date (I live in a rural area and I don’t like to drive at night).

I thought the date went well, but after it was over I didn’t hear from him again. I sent him a message to ask him what was up and after a delay he replied to say it had been fun, but he didn’t mention going out again. I saw him online on Match after that, so clearly looking for other women, and his texts were short and he took a long time to reply. When I asked him what was going on, he said he didn’t feel a connection. I asked him about the month leading up to our date in which he was enthusiastic, and he did not respond. So I sent him one last “we’re done” text and then decided to give up, as he’s immature and playing mind games.

Guy #2 seemed interested in a date. We chatted a few times on the phone, but now that I’m pressing him a little bit on when we’re going to get together, and he seems hesitant. We’re due for nasty weather, so maybe he doesn’t want to drive to pick me up? I’ve decided the ball in his court now and he can be the one to arrange the date, but I’m annoyed at his reticence.

I am tired of these men jerking me around. Is there something I should be doing differently?

Dating in the Dumps


There is no way to get around this so the only way forward is through: dating sucks. It does. It’s like applying for a job but worse because you are literally sharing your entire self not just your relevant experience. It is tiring and obnoxious and man, I can really understand why anyone would be fed up and just not do it.

But ma’am. There are a few things you mentioned that we need to address. What on earth do you meeeeeeeean you live in a rural area and don’t like to drive at night so he needs to come pick you up? There are two problems with this. 1. Safety. People are crazy out in these streets and it behooves you, mama, to make sure that you have control of your transportation when meeting unknown people.

Even if you insist on not driving, please make sure you have some “screw you money”. In case your date turns out to be a couple apple jacks short of a bowl and you need to catch a quick taxi while yelling “screw you” into the rapidly increasing distance betwixt you. (Do I wish we lived in a world in which you could be assured of your safety whilst out wining and dining with strangers. Yeah, but here is not there, so it is what it is.)

But I digress. My second problem with your driving choice, and with your entire letter in general, is a sense of passivity.

You seem to be taking the back seat in this dating game of your life, and my darling it’s not hot.

Your letter sounds as if you want a relationship, and not a casual one. This is perfectly okay! No matter what our dumpster fire of a society says about “needy women” or “desperate women” or “women of a certain age” it is 100% okay to want a relationship. Own that, in all of its dimensions and pursue it like you would pursue any other goal you have in life. Nobody says, “I want to get into college,” and then doesn’t study and just waits for the colleges to come to them. Nothing in life works like that my little honeybun.

You want to get boo-ed up. Then you go find a boo. Message men first. Ask them out. You don’t have to wait a month until they do it. Just go ahead and ask them out for coffee. Or a walk in the park. Or to see the new Georgia O’Keefe exhibit. If you want to see him again, ask him. If you are rejected, well on to the next one.

This will not be easy. It will be going outside of your comfort level and taking your romantic fate into your own hands. But chickpea, there is nothing so magical or mystical about men that “putting the ball in his court” will result in you getting what you want. Which is a relationship. Men can be shy. They can be nervous. They are, despite more horrible stuff society tells us, human beings with all of the insecurities and foibles native to that condition.

If you see a guy online or in real life that seems interesting, ask him out. And another one. Then a third. Meet each new person knowing that you are the mistress of your own destiny and that you are making your own life happen.

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Dear Auntie Alice,

My father is not the most competent of people and while my mother and the three of us kids were at home we did all the chores around the farm. When the last kid went to college, my mom decided she’d had enough of farm life and him, and skipped town. Now my dad is left with twenty-ish sheep, a couple horses, a half-dozen dogs, some ducks, chickens and assorted sundries. He doesn’t need to work, so there’s no question that he could possibly do the work involved, but I’m not sure whether he actually is and because everyone has left I don’t have a useful way to find out if the animals are okay. My siblings are more protective of him than I am, but I know the last time someone visited they had to deal with a dead sheep that was just lying in the pen.

Do I call animal control on my own father? Especially since I don’t know for sure that there is any problem at all, but at the same time I’m worried about the welfare of the animals.

Baa Baa Family Black Sheep 


Please do not call animal control on your parent, with the rumor of a sheep as your evidence. I think if you have concerns about your father’s ability to take care of the farm on his own, it’s important that you go see the farm for yourself. If you are physically and financially capable of this visit, then you should go see the situation firsthand. Many things may be distorted or underplayed when relayed via the game of sibling telephone. If you can’t get back to the family homestead yourself, then choose someone nearby whose judgement you trust who is willing to take a look for you.

Whatever you decide, it is important that you and your siblings come to a mutually agreed understanding of the situation.

Who will be the point person for providing help to the animals or to your father? How will the other siblings support them? Do you all need to have a talk with your father about selling off the livestock? If there are dead animals being left around the farm, your father could be cited in some way, leading to financial repercussions.

It’s time for some good old communication between you and your family. Use your words. Until that happens you’re just making decisions in the dark, and mon frère that rarely ends well.

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Dear Auntie Alice,

After a messy breakup with my ex-boyfriend after the holidays, I finally decided to focus on being my authentic self and came out as bisexual. I started going to meetups for queer women and eventually went to a party a month ago where I met the most beautiful woman (“Olga”) on the dance floor. Long story short, we ended up kissing and talking for hours and met up for a first date the next day! She’s in an open relationship with a man and also just starting to explore her attraction for women, and I know perfectly well that I’m on the rebound, plus I am going to be leaving the country to return to my home country this summer. So it seemed like the perfect opportunity for both of us to casually date and have some fun.

But I have to admit, it seems like we’re both falling head over heels for each other. After our latest weekend together she even said that she kind of wishes she weren’t so committed to her boyfriend. And one of her housemates asked me on the sly whether I’d be open to marrying Olga in order to stay in the country… making me wonder what kind of conversations they have when I’m not around! On the other hand, I really miss my family back home and breaking up with my boyfriend made me realize that trying to build a life abroad is pretty exhausting and uncertain. I’ve never wanted my immigration status to depend on another person.

Should I level with Olga and tell her I’m falling for her? Break it off so I don’t get distracted from my existing plans to repatriate? I just don’t know what to do.


Bilingual, Bisexual, Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered


You have done something beautiful and momentous for yourself. Congratulations, this is something that many people are never strong enough or privileged enough to do; openly living the totality of their humanity. Few things can be sweeter than adding to that self knowledge the beginnings of a relationship with another being that you find charming and special. It is intoxicating and heady. So this is a good moment to step back and get your mind right.

What do you want? Big picture. What do you want your life to look like? Do you want to be living in the country you are living in now? Or do you want to return to your home country? Answer these questions with complete and brutal honesty divorced from your pants-feelings.

Pants-feelings are awesome but they can fade, and they are NOT a guide to making major life choices.

Whatever you decide, when you decide, sit down with Olga and talk. Be honest with her about what you’re feeling and your future plans. Maybe you guys continue your delightful fling that is beautiful and ephemeral. Or perhaps, you could be headed for more. But first you have to figure out what you want and need as an individual before seeing how this goes as a potential couple.

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That is all for this edition, mon petit chou. Catch us here on Culturess every Wednesday and Friday, for tea and a chat. Have a burning question for your Auntie? Send them to me via culturessadvice@fansided.com