Oscars 2017 Red Carpet: The Top Ten Worst Dressed
By Ani Bundel
The Worst
Dude, what *is* this? Blanca Blanco, what are you wearing? And holy hell girl why *aren’t* you wearing underwear with it? Blanco’s dress stylist was not announced and perhaps that’s for the best, and the slit went up entirely too high and the moment the woman started walking across the carpet the entire world learned exactly how much she shaves and that she didn’t bother with the underwear either. Perhaps this would be ok at the MTV Music Video Awards. But on the Oscars Red Carpet? We’re betting she won’t be asked back.
Allison Schroeder (who wrote Hidden Figures) looks like a patriotic float gone bad. Look, I appreciate the urge in liberal circles to “take back patriotism” from the GOP and the heartland, and insist that we here on the coasts are just as proud of our country as some white trash people living in Kansas or whatever. I get this. Especially with Trump going whole hog with Russia, I get it. But this dress? Not only is it ugly and badly designed, but the blue-white-red just makes it look french. And I don’t think that’s what she was going for.
Busy Philipps knocked all her Sorry pawns back to home on the badly conceived boardgame of a gown. I mean, like the one above, I get it in theory. The dots are supposed to emphasize the hourglass figure, and so on. But the end result is that the figure (which needed no emphasizing or garnishing, winds up looking cheap, and the dots look like I should roll the dice again or maybe pick a card and see if I get stuck in the toffee swamp.
Apparently casting while people as Egyptian gods isn’t confined to the box office! To be fair, I don’t think Jessica Biel’s people knew this would be something of a bust–and there are certain outlets who are gushing over this gown right now, I am sure. They were so confident about it, we even know the designer, Kaufman Franco. But the neckline makes it look as if we are trying to go for white girl in Africa, and Biel obviously isn’t used to having to wear all gold to make up for the fact that her husband is expecting to lose the Oscar tonight.
I didn’t like Ruth Negga’s dress this evening–I thought it was safe, in fade to the carpet red and a high dowdy neckline. In another minute I might have even put it in bad….until Gennifer Goodwin came along, in something somehow more terrible, and red and dowdy.
Now! To be fair, Goodwin’s costar of many years Bill Paxton, passed away last night in freak complications after surgery, so that accounts for the inability to smile, which only emphasizes the severity of the gown. So I’m cutting her a break somewhere. But the dress is just awful.
Naomie Harris has been so hit and miss this year. She’s not actually part of the Hidden Figures gang, though some have assumed she was. Instead, she’s been pole dancing for the other long shot film at the Oscars, Moonlight. In this case, her choice of dress is wrong for the occasion. This is too dressed down for this event. It needs to be floor-length, not awkwardly sliced at the knees. And the cape just emphasizes the too-short nature of the gown–if it were long enough, the cape would be a train. And I just hate the boob cups.
Leslie Mann, in a blast of butter. She was so proud of this gown. She thought she was Belle from Beauty and the Beast in this thing, swirling around in this monstrosity made of margarine for all the world to see. Like Biel above, her designer was announced for everyone: Zac Posen, who specializes in these sort of half collapsed ballgowns when he’s not designing for the Betty Boops of the world. There’s just not flattering on real people. Or anyone, really.
I was unaware feather dusters were a thing in 2017. But apparently Sofia Boutella is so into them she made her perfectly serviceable disco ball of a dress sprout one underneath that went to her feet. The original Chanel version of this dress had a belt, which might have helped slightly, but the frankendress nature of the proceedings probably would have put it here anyway.
Neither Jamie Dornan nor his wife were advised well here. Jamie Dornan looks miserable right now, much like he did this time last year, having to promote his softcore not-actually-porn flick Fifty Shades of Grey. In earlier appearances, his wife has at least done her best to balance out how terrible he looks, but sadly here, she merely compounds the problem.
But they are nothing compared to his co-star.
Someone tell Dakota Johnson…… the pussybow…does not go…. *there.*
Next: Oscars 2017 Red Carpet: The Top Ten Best Dressed
Because seriously. That’s just embarrassing for everyone.