Pottermore has ranked all the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaches we met at Hogwarts over the course of the Harry Potter series. Did they get it right?
Pottermore, J.K. Rowling’s outlet for all things Harry Potter, has ranked every Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher we got to know in the Harry Potter books, from best to worst. Thankfully, we’re here to tell you whether they chose correctly. Thank god for us.
Here’s their order:
- 1. Remus Lupin. “Lupin’s classes were a fun and inventive breath of fresh air; he taught the third years how to fight dark creatures such as Hinkypunks and Boggarts, and set them a monster-filled obstacle course as an exam. Fun!”
It’s hard to argue that Remus Lupin wasn’t the best of the DADA teachers. Of course, that’s not a high bar to jump. He wasn’t dangerously incompetent or plotting the deaths of Harry and/or his friends. Hell, he actually nurtured Harry and gave him good advice. Shame about the werewolf thing.
- 2. Severus Snape. “[I]n comparison to some of Harry’s other teachers, Snape was at the very least dedicated, firm and very qualified.”
Again, Snape benefits from Hogwarts’ steep curve. Yes, he could be cruel and was operating under the assumption that he would have to kill Professor Dumbledore, but at least he knew his stuff. And he was planning to kill Dumbledore with the man’s consent as part of a bigger plan to take down Voldemort, so that bit’s forgiven.
We agree with the order of the list so far.
- 3. Gilderoy Lockhart. “[N]ot only was he a raging con-artist, a ‘hero’ who had built his reputation on fraud and lies, but he was dangerous too, willing to go to desperate lengths to protect his fame.”
Photo by Peter Mountain
From here on out, all the teachers have serious problems. In addition to Pottermore’s criticisms above, Professor Lockhard taught the kids literally nothing about magic. In fact, this might have been the worst hire of the books, since Dumbledore had all the facts and full control over the decision. Mad-Eye Moody may have ended up being a Death Eater in disguise, but Dumbledore didn’t know that at the time. What’s his excuse with this moron?
Speaking of…
- 4. Mad-Eye Moody. “A little bold perhaps (he did, after all, demonstrate the Unforgivable Curses in his very first lesson), but he was also an engrossing speaker, and certainly taught Harry and his classmates a thing or two.”
Pottermore knocks Mad-Eye down a peg because of that whole actually-being-a-Death-Eater-in-disguise thing, but we think he deserves to be ranked ahead of Lockhart on account of the fact that he actually did impart some useful information to his students.
- 5. Amycus Carrow. “from what Neville Longbottom tells Harry, he’s a rather sadistic one; having not only turned Defence Against the Dark Arts into just Dark Arts, but enforcing discipline through the Cruciatus Curse. As Neville says, his punishments make Dolores Umbridge ‘look tame’.”
That description tells you everything you need to know about this guy. He regularly tortured children with the Cruciatus Curse. Even Umbridge had to talk herself into doing that, and that was just the once. And he’s teaching children evil dark magic. He clearly belongs at the bottom of the list.
- 6. Dolores Umbridge. “As Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Umbridge managed to vacuum up all the useful parts of Harry’s lessons by thrusting the student’s noses in textbooks instead of action, denying the return of Lord Voldemort and, perhaps worst of all, punctuating every sentence with a cutesy giggle.”
Plus she subjected Harry to painful detentions where he had to carve words into his own flesh. She was the worst, but she still didn’t regularly torture children with the Cruciatus Curse.
In any normal school, she would be on the bottom. But in Hogwarts, she has competition.
- 7. Quirinus Quirrell. “Although Professor Quirrell seemed quite harmless at first, what with his nervous tics and his turban, we do have one very small reason why Quirrell might be the worst of the bunch.”
That reason is that Quirrell had Lord Voldemort growing out the back of his head. Hey, no one’s perfect.
Obviously that’s a blight on Quirrell’s name, but at least he didn’t torture students, and so far as we know he wasn’t dangerously incompetent, like Lockhart. We didn’t get a ton of insight into his classes, but if he managed to teach the students anything, we don’t think he deserves the bottom spot.
Here’s the list as I see it:
- Remus Lupin
- Severus Snape
- Mad-Eye Moody
- Quirinus Quirrell
- Gilderoy Lockhart
- Dolores Umbridge
- Amycus Carrow
Again, thank god we were here to set the record straight.
Next: J.K Rowling Takes on Piers Morgan on Twitter
What did we learn from this list? Mostly that Hogwarts has terrible standards for its teachers. Go Beauxbatons.