Last (Wo)man Standing: AHS Roanoke Recap, Chapter 9

With just one episode to go, American Horror Story: Roanoke, amps up the drama, gives us our sole survivor, and calls cut on its Three Nights In Hell- probably.

As you all likely know, this country endured the beginnings of its TRUE American horror story yesterday, so it seemed more than fitting to throw myself into Ryan Murphy’s version….to escape. How screwed up is that? In any case, it sort of helped because holy guacamole things are doing DOWN on this show. The blood moon’s a-rising, mostly everyone is dead, and I still get to shout “I’M WITH HER!” at my television when Sarah Paulson appears. So at least THAT’S a win.

We open on some late-teen-to-college-aged whippersnappers waltzing through the Roanoke woods, but it’s daytime, so I’m not as inclined to scold them. This, we learn, is Milo, Todd, and Sophie. Sophie is Taissa Farmiga. She back, y’all. As they traipse around (filming, all the while) in ridiculous GoPro helmets and other hiking gear even though they’re walking a straight, unencumbered path on level ground, Milo remarks that he’s studied the tapes (meaning, he’s watched My Roanoke Nightmare obsessively), and can likely lead them to the house drawing on that vast knowledge base. Sophie, another huge fan, proclaims that the show was an interesting exploration of interracial marriage dynamics, how they function in society, and how Shelby had to contend with the patriarchy. So I guess she’s a perfect human.

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Suddenly, a lady appears in the distance, bloody and disoriented, kinda calling to them but mostly just being spoopy. Sophie tries to follow her, but she keeps running just far enough away that she can’t get a good look. Good thing the cameras are rolling, amirite?! She leads them to a clearing where a flipped car lies in the grass. They peek inside, and who’s there but the woman they’d been chasing. It’s Diana, Sidney’s assistant, and she’s just as dead as we remember.

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Back at the house, shirtless guy “Who is Dylan?!?!?” is explaining himself to Lee and Audrey. Apparently, he is Dylan. He’s an actor who’d had a small part in My Roanoke Nightmare and, allegedly, he’s been in a hotel room waiting to follow through on his explicit instructions from Sidney to show up at the house wearing a pig costume. ‘KAY. He notices Lee’s bloodied head and asks her how “they” made it look like her ear was gone; Audrey yells at him that they’re not pretending anymore cuz, bruh, everyone’s real dead. They take Dylan upstairs so he can see the bodies for himself, and Audrey continues to shout about how it’s all real- the blood moon, the spirits, the Polks- and how they need to get out ASAP. Lee reminds them that it’s the last night of the blood moon, so it’s the most dangerous night to be in the house. She suggests, still dead set (no pun intended) on retrieving the tapes, that they’ll get out quicker and before dark if they run to the Polks and steal a car. Audrey then reminds them that Monet is still out there, likely with the Polks, and they all agree that going back to the place they had just spent an entire episode excruciatingly trying to escape was a totes kewl business decision.

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Our young, scrappy, and hungry friends, Milo, Todd, and Sophie, are now being interviewed by the police about what had happened in the woods. Sophie explains that she runs a fansite, “Army of Roanoke,” and was there to explore and film for her fans. Milo and Todd are both sufficiently freaked out by the whole Diana thang, but Sophie is really excited about the prospect of her videos of a dead woman walkin’ around going viral once she publishes the videos on her site. It me. The cop thinks the kids are making all of this up just to get hits on social media, and/or pulling a prank, because SURPRISE! the body was gone once they arrived on the scene. The kids are adamant that the police’s unwillingness to cooperate is unwarranted, and Milo proclaims that their refusal to believe them is exactly how every horror movie starts which isn’t a super good argument in the face of the law. The cop tells them if they go back, he’ll have them arrested for trespassing. This guy sux.

We rejoin Lee, Audrey, and Dylan back at the Polk residence. They make a plan for Dylan to hot-wire a car while Audrey and Lee run inside to find Monet and retrieve the tapes. Audrey tells Lee that they have to be ready to run back outside the second they hear the car start, even if they have to run back empty handed. Audrey sneaks into the shed Lee had been trapped in and finds Monet tied up. Lee goes back to the Confederate flag laden fortress Audrey had been held in and finds the camera. As they try to escape, one of the Polk brothers waltzes in on Monet and Audrey. He shouts that he’s going to kill them for murdering Mama. Audrey turns on the camera and makes him repeat what he’s said, and then promptly shoots him. All on tape. I see whatchoo doing, girrrrrl.

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They run outside to find another Polk brother is threatening them in Mama’s name. He’s already beaten Dylan, and doesn’t seem too keen on the idea of not murdering the ladies. Then he suddenly sees the blood moon in the sky and is like “Nvm my Mama isn’t here to protect me so I’m out good luck lylas.” Monet and Audrey, car-less and Lee-less, have no choice but to just start running back to the house, and of course, The Butcher and her colonial army is charging up behind them through the woods. Hashtag blood moon.

Audrey and Monet make it back to the house, where Audrey promptly does a ton of screaming about how she doesn’t need to calm down. They don’t know where Lee, is but Audrey is sure she’s dead. She says that an alive Lee would never have left the tape (that Audrey now has in her hand) behind. And obviously- because what else would you do with a video that someone was willing to die to protect???- Monet and Audrey watch the tape of her confession.

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Meanwhile, we see Lee dragging herself through the woods, where the real version of the scary Lady Gaga ghost witch appears and feeds Lee a human heart, essentially binding her in the Kathy Bates agreement to shed sacrificial blood, and making her the new Butcher. Pretty rude if you ask me.

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The teens are back in the woods AT NIGHT DURING THE BLOOD MOON, so it is now the appropriate time for me to get mad at them for being dumb dummies. Regardless of what I think, these clowns still believe it’s a super good idea because they need to prove to their “fans” that they’re not liars- they’ve posted the Diana video, and now they’re trending on Twitter. They run into Lee, who promptly slices Todd’s throat when he approaches her to tell her he’s a fan. Diva alert!!! Sophie and Milo run through the woods and stumble upon a production trailer, next to which Sidney and that other forgettable PA are lying dead. As they run toward the trailer, Dylan appears out of the woods. They push him away, scared, but still have time to recognize him as an actor who played one of the Butcher’s sons on season one. NERDS!!!! They run into the trailer to hide, and discover the control room holding all the still-live monitors. Upon review, they find that everyone’s dead, except Audrey and Monet. They watch them on a monitor while Milo wonders aloud if any of this is even real. YES! BUT ALSO NO! THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SEASON, DOY!!!! Sophie quickly becomes worried while watching as Monet is about to break her sobriety, but forgets about that minor setback the second she catches sight of Lee in another monitor, creeping murderously toward the house.

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Sophie calls the police, who predictably think it’s a prank because they’re living in a Scooby-Doo episode. She tells them that there are at least three dead bodies outside. Still nothing. Milo remarks that it’s “just like on the show” when Matt called and the cops wouldn’t respond. We get it, Milo. You like the show. Sophie gives up on the cops’ help and proclaims that they have to go stop Lee from getting in the house to kill Audrey and Monet. They leave the trailer and are in awe upon seeing a real blood moon. Lucky!!!

Monet and Audrey are still holed up in the bedroom, now drinking, and talking about where Lee could be and if she’s alive, when SURPRISE!!!! Lee arrives. She’s chanting and holding a cleaver, calling them “vile” in her chant-y creep voice. Monet takes this moment to shout at her that she knows she’s a murderer, and Lee pushes Monet off the staircase balcony because duh. She then comes for Audrey, telling her that the grounds must be cleansed. Audrey says “Don’t make me kill you!” and then immediately kills her.

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Sophie, running toward the house, is recording herself detailing that Lee had murdered Todd with a cleaver and is now about to murder Audrey and Monet. We cut back to Audrey, who runs out of the house to the bunker. Lee catches up to her just as she’s climbing down the ladder and cleaves her, then pushes her down to the bottom and shuts the door. I’m not okay.

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Sophie and Milo hide outside near the house, watching and recording, while The Real Butcher and her army disembowel Dylan. As they finally decide they’ve had enough and turn to run away, they find that Lee is standing right behind them.

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Here, we get the below disclaimer, but continue to watch HAPPILY because we’re all monsters and also this is not even half as bad as what’s going on in real America tbh sorry.

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We see The Butcher’s army pull Milo and Sophie into the middle of the circle. The Butcher tells them to prepare to die, which is kind of sweet of her, and then her army promptly impales them, sets them on fire, and offers them as sacrifice, which is a little less sweet.

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It’s the next morning, and I guess now the dumbass police finally decide to show their dumbass faces. They walk across the grounds and through the house to find everyone murdered. Except Lee, who is on the ground, confused and screaming. The police tell her that they need to get her to a hospital and Lee begs to get out of “this hellhole.” They put her into the back of a police car while they patrol the property and GUESS WHO is still alive af IT’S AUDREY DAMN TINDALL.

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Upon seeing her, Lee says,”Audrey, thank god,” as though she didn’t put a cleaver into her physical body < 12 hours ago. Audrey get angry face and shouts, “You f*****g murderer!,” reaches for a cop’s gun, and is immediately showered with bullets from all sides. She dead now. I’m done. In lieu of flowers, please send me back in time to when she was walking around in yoga pants and Uggs.

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We’ve got our sole survivor. We’ve got, like, 12 different versions of recordings of these three days in hell. We’ve got the promise of another huge twist to finish off the season. Now, we’ve just gotta get there. Without Audrey.

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Tune into the AHS: Roanoke finale next Wednesday at 10PM E.T. on FX.