Ranking Halloween Candy: Do Not Let America’s Children Down

To ensure we don’t betray our nation’s trick or treaters, Culturess offers this official and definitive ranking of Halloween candy.

Halloween is a very important holiday for kids. Remember how focused you were on candy when you were a kid? Much of life’s early negotiations focus on wrangling life-sustaining candy from stingy and uncaring adults. Halloween is the one day out of the year where kids actually get what they really want: more candy than they can possibly eat.

Remember coming home on Halloween, excitedly dumping the night’s haul on the flood for sorting? Realizing that most of the candy in the pile was weird and bad was such a letdown.

Let’s not do that to the next generation. Follow this definitive Halloween candy ranking and learn from the mistakes of our parents. (Especially my parents. We were a raisin and tiny-plastic-cowboy-and-dinosaur-figurine household and I’m shocked we were never egged.)

15. Circus Peanuts

Circus Peanuts (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

Why are these even? They’re supposed to be marshmallows, but their taste and texture more like an ancient kitchen sponge that’s about to crumble into dust. They smell like Play-Doh. And don’t you think they look more like shoes than peanuts? Total fail candy. Just say no.

14. Mellowcream Pumpkins

Mellocream Pumpkins (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

These little guys are so sad. They really just want to be candy corn, their more famous and coveted cousin. Mellowcream pumpkins are mainly made of wax and corn syrup. Their texture is oily and somewhat sandy. I regret opening the package.

13. Anonymous Fall-Themed Candies

Anonymous Fall-Themed Candy (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

What even are these? No one knows. They’re orange, which probably-but-not-definitely means pumpkin this time of year. Kids will just throw them away. Do not buy.

12. Peanut Butter Kisses

Peanut Butter Kisses (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

Kids don’t eat these. I don’t remember eating even one. So for journalism and science, I just ate one. It was chewy. More so than taffy, but not as hard as a Now And Later. The taste was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike peanut butter. These are the candies that are still left by Thanksgiving. Do not buy.

11. Mary Janes

Mary Janes (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

Why do so many old timey candies seem to be designed to remove your teeth? Is it because of the historical fear of barber-dentists? Was it just easier to pull out your bad teeth at home with candy instead? That’s the only explanation I can think of for the existence of Mary Janes.  They’re made with real molasses and peanut butter, and they taste like it, which is not at all a good thing. History did not have good candy.

10. Bazooka Gum

Bazooka Gum (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

Little known fact: Bazooka bubble gum is just expired erasers. Do not eat.

9. Mike & Ike & Good & Plenty

Good & Plenty & Mike & Ike (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

Mike & Ike and Good & Plenty are two separate candies that I’m listing together because they’re both shaped like Tylenol and have the texture of sugar-coated insulation. One is fruit-flavored. The other is licorice. They are both awful.

8. Bit-O-Honey

Bit-O-Honey (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

I put one in my mouth. I had to chew it for a bit before I could even taste it. Then I spit it out. No. No no no no no. Just realizing they taste a lot like sugar babies. Burning and artificial vanilla flavor.

7. Sixlets

Sixlets (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

I had totally forgotten about Sixlets. First off, the name doesn’t make sense, because clearly  each package holds eight pieces of candy. The taste doesn’t make sense either. They are ostensibly chocolate with candy shells, but they taste like artificial flavoring, not chocolate. So weird. Buy M&Ms instead.

6. Raisins

Raisins are nature’s candy, not Halloween candy. (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

Now normally I love raisins. Totally yummy, sweet snack. They are nature’s candy. But they are NOT Halloween candy. It’s only one day of the year. Indulge!

5. Tootsie Fruit Chews

Tootsie Fruit Chews (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

These are gross, so why do I keep eating them? I just tried a lime one and it was like a chewy mouthful of margarita mixer, but I want another one. Please stop me. One of the fruit chew flavors is vanilla. Vanilla is not fruit. I refuse to put that in my mouth.

4. Sugar Babies

Sugar Babies (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

They claim to be caramel but they taste like burning. And the texture, reminiscent of fiberglass, is so off-putting. Leave these babies on the shelf.

3. Candy Corn

Los Angeles, Ca. – Halloween candy corn for an illustration about the anatomy of a sugar rush. (Photo by Rick Loomis/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images)

Candy corn is a very divisive subject. Some adults love it, others wonder why anyone would eat sweet wax. But kids will eat candy corn by the handful. My friends and I never would have traded away our candy corn!

2. Generic Halloween-Themed Chocolates

Generic Halloween Chocolate (Image via Morit Chatlynne/Personal collection)

They’re still chocolate, and that is good for children of all ages. Acceptable.

1. Brand Name Candy

CAMBRIDGE, MA – OCTOBER 31: Candidate for U.S. Senate Elizabeth Warren hands out candy to trick-or-treaters at her Cambridge home on Halloween. (Photo by Barry Chin/The Boston Globe via Getty Images)

If you care about our children, get the good stuff: brand name candy. Don’t hand it out if you wouldn’t eat it yourself.

Next: 30 Horror Movies for the Thrill-Seeking Feminist

Tonight, we’re going to hand out REAL candy. But we will also offer a bowl with all the stuff I bought for this piece, just to see if I get any takers. Whatever’s left will go to work with my husband on Tuesday, because unlike children, office people will eat anything.