Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby: The Asexuality Spectrum

Asexual Awareness Week is coming, so there’s no better time to learn how asexuality fits onto the spectrum of heart palpitations and pick-up lines.

Sexuality isn’t all black-and-white or even a rainbow. It’s a myriad of color patterns that of course include hetero- and homosexuality, but exemplify the in-between, too. And—excuse my romanticism, but—oh, that in-between is like a watercolor painting left out in the rain. Not everyone sees it, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t color running and merging across the great big canvas of sexuality.

Such is the beauty of awareness weeks, when the lesser-known niches can be louder and prouder than we are misunderstood or outright dismissed. For the asexual crowd, that week runs annually, from October 19-25. So get ready to wave that black-gray-white-and-purple flag, and let’s take a look at what’s under the ace umbrella.

• Asexual: a person who has no sexual feelings or desires
• Aromantic: a person who has little or no desire for a romantic relationship
• Demisexual: a person who experiences sexual attraction only to someone with whom they share an emotional bond
• Gray-asexual: a person who is not necessarily accustomed to sexual attraction, but does sometimes experience it

Despite popular misconception, none of these preferences are akin to celibacy, which is a choice to abstain from sex. Asexuality, meanwhile, is a sexual orientation. Simply put, as Kirsten Dunst says in the 1998 girl power classic, All I Wanna Do, “Alas, I lust for no one.”

Generally this sentiment is met with shock, incredulity, and skepticism. Surely I want sex, surely I think about it—everyone does. Right? Well, to nip that notion in the bud, the answer is nah. I don’t want it and I hardly think about it. After all, to quote Ms. Dunst as Verena von Stefan once more: “Why do you think my brain is so swift and uncluttered?”

Image via IMDb, Miramax Films

Jokes and movie references aside, some asexuals are—to quote the classic adage—born this way. Some realize it later on. And still others have it thrust upon them. That is to say, sexual assault and trauma can result in, among other things, asexuality. My personal coming out is, I think, entirely due to the latter.

I began to identify as asexual when I was in college. I didn’t realize at the time, but my renewed sense of my orientation was at least in part due to the sexual trauma I’d endured a couple of years earlier. When I finally came to terms with the fact, I rebelled against it. I didn’t want the stain of an abusive past to alter who I was. So for years I overcompensated. I pushed myself to fake the desire for and enjoyment of physical affection that I didn’t actually want. It always started with too much to drink because it was the only way to push myself, and a lot of tears afterwards because I didn’t want to push myself.

Truthfully, I didn’t know what I wanted. Or maybe it was that I wanted too many contradictory things. I wanted to move on from my past. I didn’t want it to shape me. What I failed to realize then was that even though my asexuality was a result of past abuse, that didn’t mean it had to revolve around that abuse. I could let the pain go, even though its aftereffects would stay with me. I could still be in control. And whatever it was that I wanted, ultimately it all came down to the same thing: I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore.

I haven’t had sex in five years. I haven’t so much as kissed anyone in six months. Nobody’s put a real tingle in my spine in who-knows-how-long (celebrity crushes notwithstanding). I look at people like I look at art, and for now that’s all I want. For all I know, I’m demisexual at heart, but I’ve yet to meet anyone who makes me seriously consider that. Nor am I actively looking for anyone to do so. If I meet someone, we’ll take it from there. But meeting someone was never my objective when I came out. I did that for me the first time, and even more so for myself this time around.

So here I am now, waving my purple-hued flag to the tune of “I’m Coming Out.” Thanks for the jam, Diana Ross. Is there anything more inspirational? Personally, I think not.

Next: Emma Watson's New Feminist Short Film

To learn more about asexuality and all its constituents, visit the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.