Podrick Payne: Squire, Legend, Ideal Boyfriend

Game of Thrones’ Podrick Payne has gained a reputation as a sex god, but actor Daniel Portman can tell us about his character beyond the Cosmo tips.

Podrick Payne… How do I even begin to explain Podrick Payne?

Podrick Payne is flawless. He has impeccable manners, and mad respect for women. I hear he was the most loyal squire Lord Tyrion ever knew. I hear he’s being trained in combat… by Brienne of Tarth. His favorite pastime is being nice to everyone he meets. One time, he accompanied Brienne on the road. And she told him he was bad at cooking rabbits. One time, he stabbed Ser Mandon Moore with a lance. It was awesome.

If we rely on this Mean Girls model of character sketching, we see that, essentially, Pod boils down to “beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure.” And yet somehow he’s managed to survive the treacherous world of Game of Thrones with nary a scratch to his name. We can only hope he remains so unblemished. I’m all for character development, but we need to keep the Podrick Paynes of the world safe. Westeros is in dire need of his spoonful of sugar.

Keeping this in mind, I think it’s time for a revolution: We’ve got to stop asking Daniel Portman about Podrick’s penis.

In Season 3 of Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister rewards Podrick’s courage at the Battle of the Blackwater with a nice romp at the local brothel. Podrick saved Tyrion’s life at the battle, and Tyrion repays his squire by giving the young man a new life all his own. And, as it happens, it didn’t cost Tyrion a bit of gold. Instead of taking their due, the brothel workers sent Podrick back to the Red Keep, bag of coins in hand. Bronn and Tyrion’s jaws dropped accordingly like they were in an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon, and that was all she wrote.

And, thus, a legend was born. No longer was he simply Podrick Payne, squire to Lord Tyrion. He was Podrick Payne, “the one with the magic c*ck,” as Bronn so eloquently states in Season 6. Although we didn’t have Bronn’s words in the beginning, that sentiment still thrived in the intermittent years.

I don’t know about my fellow Thrones fans, but since 2013, I can’t come across an interview with Daniel Portman that doesn’t include at least one question about Pod’s—ah—endowment. It’s as though the character ceased to exist prior to that one sexual escapade. Of course, Podrick’s involvement in the narrative has grown exponentially since. But that has less to do with his penis and more to do with his role in the plot. It’s about heart, not parts, people. And that goes for Podrick’s experience in the brothel.

Here’s my two cents on the matter: The brothel workers probably gave Podrick his money back because he was nice to them. Think about it—as a squire and perhaps in his very character, Podrick lives to serve. So while most of the brothel regulars seek to serve themselves, Podrick likely returned that service. He made his first sexual experience about the women’s pleasure as much as his own. Podrick is by nature an unselfish, attentive person, and those are traits he would have honed in on to great success.

When it comes to interpretation of the scene, to each their own. Personally, I can’t imagine that the women employed at Petyr Baelish’s House of Jollies have too many pleasant sexual encounters to draw upon. Prostitution may be their profession, but that doesn’t mean these women care to be treated as playthings more than people. Enter Podrick Payne: Sweet, dutiful, respectful, and handsome to boot. It’s not exactly a daunting laundry list of desirable qualities. But somehow it’s not the norm, anyway. (I can’t even get a solid two out of four here; love truly is a battlefield.)

The aftermath of Podrick’s rendezvous is worth a chuckle, as it’s a nice break from Thrones’ characteristic tension. The night may be dark and full of terrors, but your entertainment should let the light in every now and then. But when it comes down to it, it’s comic relief that’s well in the past. It still gets a laugh out of me during my rewatches, but there’s really nothing left to say about it.

So why have we, as fans, latched onto this moment? Is it really a joke worth hanging onto when there’s so much more to the character? As a rule, Podrick might play second fiddle, but he’s been an asset all the same. He never fails to fulfill his duties, and he hasn’t lost sight of his inherent goodness along the way. That’s a feat worth acknowledging on Game of Thrones. Still, Podrick doesn’t get much credit for it. There’s something to be said for a man in Westeros whose ambition doesn’t get ahead of him and then make a U-turn just to mow him down. All things considered, Podrick is doing rather well for himself.

Following are some questions you can ask Daniel Portman at cons that don’t have anything to do with Podrick’s sexual aptitude. (If any of you should get an answer out of him, I would appreciate a little credit, a tweet, and/or perhaps a dissertation if you can swing it.)

• Most of the male characters tend to underestimate, disrespect, and abuse women. Podrick, meanwhile, doesn’t do any of the above. Sadly but truly, this makes him something of a novelty in both the fictional and real world. What’s it like to play such a progressive male character on a show like Game of Thrones?
• Is Podrick’s loyalty a result of his assigned duties? Or is it born of true affection for his lord or lady?
• Podrick and Brienne seem to be cut from the same cloth. Do you think their sense of duty will continue to be to their benefit? Or will their code of honor somehow be to their detriment at some point?
• Sansa was, at one time, Tyrion’s wife, and Podrick still holds the man in high esteem. Does Podrick’s lingering loyalty to Tyrion affect his feelings for Sansa, and his determination to keep her safe alongside Brienne in Seasons 5-6?
• We’ve seen Podrick fare well at the Battle of the Blackwater and on the road with Brienne. Do you think the skills he’s acquired will be enough in the upcoming battle against the White Walkers?
• Do you see Podrick dying by series’ end, or will he be among those who rebuild Westeros once the war is done?
• Podrick is truly a beacon of heavenly light in an otherwise dank and dark landscape. What do you think that sort of hopefulness says about a seemingly hopeless world? Do you think that suggests some good to come in the end?
• Is anything of your own personality and values reflected in your portrayal of Podrick, or do you have to get in a different mindset while filming?

On my end of things, I’d like to thank Daniel Portman for showing up as an actual nice guy, and not the dreaded “Nice Guy.” (You know, the one who says he’s your friend up until he realizes you don’t want to date him. Then suddenly your lack of interest is broadcast to the world as ungrateful, dishonest, and a result of the fact that you’re actually a succubus. That old song and dance.) Portman has taken his character and fleshed him out into a guy you want on your side. Maybe he can’t skin a rabbit, but he sure can steal our hearts.

Next: Could a Game of Thrones Prequel Actually Happen?

There’s plenty good to be said for the remaining men on the show. We can emulate Tyrion’s wisdom, admire Jaime’s tenacity, mimic Bronn’s wit, and wowza at Jon’s fighting skills. But who’s prime boyfriend material? Well, the men of Thrones all tend to have their day in the sun, but Podrick’s the real relationship eye candy here. And there’s too much beneath the surface of all the “sex god” jokes for us to keep focusing on those alone.