Your Favorite Star Trek Characters Compete On Chopped
Check out this long-lost Star Trek/Chopped crossover script from Gene Rodenberry’s archives. It was never filmed due to spatiotemporal constraints.
The Chopped kitchen is the final frontier for 7 of 9 of Voyager, original Star Trek series Dr. Leonard McCoy (a.k.a., Bones), and Quark, a Ferengi from Deep Space Nine. These contestants will be judged by Deanna Troi, Bill Shatner’s Captain James T. Kirk, and Tuvok, the Vulcan security officer on Voyager. The host is none other than the galaxy’s most beautiful human, George Takei’s Hikaru Sulu. We join them for the judging of the entree round.
Sulu: So, Quark, 7 of 9 and Bones, what did you make out of chicken thighs, synthehol, leola roots and gummy Tribbles? Let’s start with you, Quark.
Quark: I have prepared for you a chicken roulade with a salad of leola roots with a synthehol dressing and diced gummy Tribbles.
Kirk: [coughing] You… Ferengi…you… killedmytastebuds! How much… saffron… did you use? There must be… $200 worth inside… this… dish… not to mention… the pile that… you put… on the side.
Quark: Yes, it’s one of the most expensive ingredients in the pantry! You should keep the pile and sell it!
Deanna: Are you trying to bribe us?
Quark: … Yes?
Tuvok: This dish is terrible.
Deanna: Is that chocolate inside your chicken roulade? Why??
Quark: You love chocolate. Will you stroke my earlobes?
Tuvok: Do not make me come over there.
Sulu: OH MY! Ok, let’s move on to Dr. McCoy.
Bones: I made synthehol-marinated roasted chicken with roasted leola roots that were tossed in the melted gummy Tribble.
Kirk: Bones… this chicken… is… dry and over-salted.
Bones: Jim, I’m a doctor, not a chef!
Sulu: Oh my! This feels like deja vu all over again!
Bones: At least it isn’t raw, so no one will catch something from this antiquated 21st century kitchen. Why am I even on this show?
Deanna: I sense a great frustration in you.
Bones: Deanna, I’m a doctor not a chef!
Deanna: Yes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try to be something more. You might want to think about coming to see me during office hours. I know a emergency holographic doctor who was only programmed for medical algorithms, but he became one of the most well-rounded people in Starfleet.
Bones: I’m not even supposed to be here today.
Sulu: Alright, 7 of 9, what have you made for the entree round?
Star Trek Voyager: The Void (Screencap via CBS Entertainment)
7: Chicken curry with coconut milk and galangal over a bed of glass noodles tossed in a synthehol-gummy Tribble gastrique. Both these elements are also inside the curry.
Tuvok: Your dish is too highly spiced.
7: It is a Thai-inspired curry that normally calls for two finely chopped birdseye peppers, but after tasting the ones in the pantry I determined their Scoville units to be 400 lower than I am accustomed to. I adjusted accordingly, so the level of heat should be exactly as intended.
Tuvok: Otherwise it is… delicious. And despite the fact you finished in 20 minutes, your plating is perfection.
7: Thank you. I strive for the same efficiency in the kitchen as in the rest of my work.
Deanna: 7, this is seriously the best thing I’ve ever eaten in this kitchen. In this galaxy, really.
Kirk: I am… inlovewith… you….rfood.
Sulu: OK star chefs, please make your way to 10 Forward while the judges make their decision.
[Contestants start to file out.]
Sulu: Do you even need to talk about this?
Judges: No.
Sulu: Come back! The judges have made their decision.
[Contestants line up in front of judges. Sulu removes the cloche.]
Deanna: I’m sorry, Quark, it wasn’t even the bribery. It was the chocolate and saffron. Why would you even go on a cooking competition?
Quark: Mo…
Deanna: Why did I even ask?
Quark: One thing before I go. 7, would you stroke my earlobes? I would pay you, of course.
7: I could kill you with my finger.
Next: Star Trek Voyager/Friends In Space Theme Song Mashup
Who do you think will win the dessert round? Can Bones steal the win from 7? Tell us in the comments!