Riverdale review: What Would Fred Do?

Riverdale may not have given us much Fred Andrews, but this Riverdale review will imagine what would happen if he was in every single storyline.

Riverdale officially dedicated this and every episode going forward to Luke Perry, and rightfully so. However, it wasn’t a very Fred-heavy episode, and that, my fellow fans, is a real shame. So, for this week’s Riverdale review, I’d like to imagine what would happen if Fred was in the middle of every single fray, and what he’d do to clean up the miserable messes every is in, and continues to make.

What if Fred was the Red Paladin?

It’s a very poorly kept secret that Archie is completely hopeless. It’s almost like Riverdale is trolling us this week in “Chapter Forty-Nine: Fire Walk With Me” by letting a child get the best of him. I get that we’re supposed to process this whole Ricky-Dee thing through the lens of Archie’s compassion, but come on. He let a nine-year-old win a knife fight.

If Fred was the target of all these various and sundry murder attempts, I believe it would have gone a lot differently. I firmly believe he’d be a crack boxer and fighter like Archie, but surely he’d be a better strategist about the whole matter. He would have never got sucked into a betting scam, and Fred would never, ever, agree to throw a fight. He would fight everyone in the whole situation, Chuck Norris-style, and then offer them some tender first aid for their wounds.

In fact, he would probably have usurped the Warden’s power, turned the juvenile detention center into a home for wayward boys, and given them some construction work to help channel their emotional unrest.

While Archie was channeling his father a bit by offering to take the young boy in, there’s not a scenario in the world in which Fred would let that boy escape, not once but twice. He certainly wouldn’t have let his possessed little self cut with a kitchen knife. He would have saved him, naturally, and flipped the boy to the greater good.

What if Fred was the Serpent King?

Jughead is quickly losing control of his gang, and this whole Ghoulie incorporation nonsense has backfired in a real way. He’s got the rogue Kurtz stealing chemistry equipment and threatening fellow Serpents, and he’s looking like a real push-over if you ask me.

Fred wouldn’t have any of that. He would find a way to unite those various gangs, the Pretty Poisons included, and have them working for a better and brighter Riverdale. Even if he had to offer them a little tough love in the process, these pesky teenage gangs would fall in line, or else.

When the Farmies, the Serpents, AND the Pretty Poisons get into a fight over a meeting space for their respective after-school activities, Principal Weatherby advises Jug and Toni to get their respective crap together. Fred would totally recognize the hilarity of an authoritative adult, not advising them to disengage from dangerous gangs, but instead to be better gang leaders. Of course, Fred would be the best gang leader ever, so that’s a moot conversation to have with our fearless Fred in the first place.

What if Fred was losing loved ones to a cult?

Riverdale is really milking this Farm plot line for everything it’s worth. The narrative movement is painfully slow, and the latest is that Alice has sold their murder house to a mysterious and anonymous buyer. Not only has the Farm brainwashed Alice into giving up all her worldly possessions, but Kevin has now been sucked into the organization.

Fred is not one to suffer any fools, and he would have nipped this all in the bud when folks started dropping into seizures left and right. I don’t imagine Fred would ever make us wait for Chad Michael Murray to show his face as Edgar Evernever. He would march right on down to the commune to save the brainwashed and talk (or shake) some sense into them.

What if Fred ran an illicit, backroom speakeasy?

First and foremost, Fred would totally have made Gladys audition before he allows her to step foot on stage. She wasn’t the absolute worst, but we all know Fred’s standards and boundaries are higher and firmer than Veronica’s. For a woman who is meant to be a real boss about town, the writers at Riverdale allow Veronica to get bullied quite a bit.

If you were to pop Veronica out and pop Fred in, the Bonne Nuit wouldn’t be bleeding money to extortioners, nor would it let hooligans get away with trashing the joint. The first sign of rowdy drunkenness, and Fred Andrews would have tossed those ne’er-do-wells right out the door.

Riverdale has stopped production on the current season, but our time with Fred isn’t quite over yet. We still have time enough for the writers to send him off with the farewell he deserves.

Riverdale airs on Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET on The CW.