Riverdale premiere review: Archie is still terrible, but now Riverdale has a gargoyle king

Last season’s big bad is no more, and now Riverdale has a gargoyle king and jailbird protagonist. It’s a whole new world for Riverdale’s third season.

It’s been a long five months since Archie was arrested for the murder of some nobody and Hiram officially galvanized his goon squad. Riverdale season 3 picks up in the last days of summer, on Labor Day weekend, as Archie awaits his sentencing and Hiram twirls his villain’s mustache.

I think we can all agree that Archie is the most terrible of the core four, so the choice to see the events through his point of view is a bit dicey. The scene in the courtroom looks like a Gothic noir interpretation of To Kill A Mockingbird, as the sweaty courtroom attendees fan themselves listening to testimony.

Mary Andrews, ’80s teen movie alum Molly Ringwald, serves as his attorney and her only defense is “Archie is a good boy.” Despite his recent past as the leader of not one but two, vigilante organizations, his violent beating of a crippled Nick St. Clair, and his appointment as lieutenant to the Riverdale mafia, jurors are still supposed to take his mommy’s word for it.

The judge postpones sentencing so Archie and crew can have one last weekend together. Instead of hunting up clues to exonerate him, Archie would rather spend some time with his buddies, living it up in the very metaphorical old car he and his dad restored. Here are the highlights of the gang’s last Labor Day:

Serpent King and Queen

Jughead is now the default leader of the Serpents, which are now the Northside Serpents apparently. This seems strange since Riverdale has a perfectly fine Skeet Ulrich to reprise his role as leader and hot dad. FP has conceded his top role, and it all falls on Jug and Betty to make sure the Serpents survive this latest setback.

Betty, who may or may not be addicted to Adderall, has dubbed herself the “Serpent Queen” and wants us to know she is also a “Warrior Queen.” She’s down for whatever, it seems, and being Jug’s ride or die, is top priority. What is not top priority, however, is seeing an actual therapist and getting on legit, prescribed medication.

Stealth missions

At the top of the to-do list, inexplicably, is saving Jughead’s dog, Hot Dog, who is being held hostage by evil lawyer Penny Peabody. Saving this dog is worth putting all his close pals in danger, and unleashing Cheryl’s “hell-raising” side. Also, Cheryl is suddenly an expert archer and is a bit of a loose cannon when it comes to shooting folks with her arrow. But she’s also true-loving with Toni, so all’s right in the Riverdale world, in my opinion.

Not to be outdone by Cheryl, Veronica takes matters into her own hands as well. She sneaks into the jurors’ sequestered hotel rooms, trying to tamper and sway them to find Archie not guilty. I guess it doesn’t really matter that there’s no body, murder weapon, or apparent motive. Hiram’s reach is far and wide, and when he gets someone in his sights, no matter how inconsequential they are, he is relentless.

Alice joins a cult

Alice has turned over a new zen leaf, having joined Polly on “the farm” with a guru she’s convinced can heal them from all their troubles. The best part of this whole bit is Betty’s skepticism, and her use of the word “huckster” in reference to the movement’s leader. I guess Betty is the only one among them to have ever listened to a podcast.

Later, as Betty investigates the farm for herself, she sees Alice and Polly participating in some kind of ritual in which Polly’s incest babies float above the fire. You have my attention, Riverdale.

Archie continues to be a dumb dummy

Aside from all the terrible decisions he’s made that’s led him to his courtroom battles, Archie is really a big ol’ dolt. During the gang’s excursion to the lake, he and Veronica begin to wax philosophical about the state of their lives. Archie actually tells V that he’s not even worried about going to jail for murder, but instead is more concerned about not graduating with the gang. Sigh. For real, dummy?

To add to the laundry list of stupidity, he refuses to work towards his own best legal interest. In response to the judge declaring a mistrial, he jumps up and volunteers to go to juvie. He just stands right up, says he will go, and that’s that. His lawyer/mother is appalled, and audiences release a collective sigh of exasperation.

The upside of this whole “Archie goes to jail” bit is that we get the eye candy that is FP tattooing him as an honorary Serpent so he can be protected in jail. We also get to see FP sexily slide his glasses down his nose to offer a bit of wisdom. So … thanks Archie, I guess?

Riverdale has a Gargoyle King, apparently

If the first half of the Riverdale season 3 premiere was just Archie being back on his BS, the back half really delivered with the introduction of the new big bad. In a real True Detective move, Riverdale has introduced some scary, ritualistic, monster-thing, using the underappreciated Dilton Doyle as a delivery system.

Dilton tries to reach out to Jughead to let him know something evil this way comes, but Jughead is too busy with his Hot Dog nonsense and babysitting Archie to really give Dilton the attention he needs. As a result, Jughead is left to find a disturbing drawing that leads him to an even more disturbing scene in the woods.

It might just be one of the creepiest images I’ve seen from the folks at Riverdale, and I was here for the Black Hood as Santa stuff. Dilton is dead (RIP) and his body has been positioned in some sort of bizarre ceremonial way, and he has carvings on his back. There is some Blair Witch stuff happening with twigs and branches, but Dilton’s co-victim is still alive.  Strong first showing, I’ll admit

Thank you, Riverdale for this. This is just the palate cleanser we need after two seasons of Hal as the Black Hood. I love a good cult/pagan ritual, and Riverdale is here to deliver. I’m all in for season 3.

Join me here every week as I run down the major happenings in all things Riverdale. In the meantime, tweet me (@SundiSRose) your thoughts, theories, hopes and dreams for Riverdale season 3.