Riverdale returns to its soapy root with a (mostly) redeeming episode

Riverdale gets downright sudsy in an episode chock-full of unbelievable camp and melodrama. It’s a return to what it does best.

I’ve been singing the Riverdale blues for a while now, hoping and praying the series would find its feet after a handful of questionable episodes and plot choices. After last night’s deliciously soapy “Chapter Twenty-Eight: There Will Be Blood,” I think the teen drama might be on its way back from the abyss.

We might have Cheryl and the Blossom family antics to thank for that. I’m just sitting here hoping we get the Blossoms in a “VC Andrews hellscape” parading as a nighttime soap (as Chris Cummins from Den of Geek called it). Now, that’s a show I could watch from week to week.

Until then, we have to abide the limited amount of screen time the writers have given them. I imagine this Blossom-heavy episode is a course correction after all those lackluster previous episodes. These ginger-delights are the height of soapy goodness. This week alone, they brought us an honest-to-goodness fainting spell and the dramatic return of an evil twin. Of course, the former was caused by the latter, but I can only hope the moment lives on in GIFs.

With all the hubbub about Mr. Blossom’s will, the return of his long-lost Merchant Marine brother and the possibility that her mom might try to murder her, we can’t forget that Penelope Blossom is a prostitute. The Blossoms are the soap-opera family that keeps on giving.

The will-reading is just non-stop drama, and Toni takes the words right out of our mouth when she says, “This is riveting.” Yeah. . . . no duh, Toni. I was rooting pretty hard for Alice Cooper when she storms into the room during Cheryl’s (completely ill-timed and inappropriate) speech, shouting about Hal and his inbred family. That’s right, she said inbred. There’s a money grab going on in Riverdale, and everybody has their hand out.

That’s everybody except Chic, who would make the ultimate soap opera villain. Even if the show didn’t constantly remind us that he was creepy with indirect characterization, character dialogue, foreboding music, dark lighting and unnatural camera angles, we would understand.

The scene in which he’s holding Polly’s incest babies is one for The CW canon. He looks like he might eat the thing instead of play peek-a-boo, and Polly notices it. In true soap opera fashion, Polly returns home to realize Chic has the babies and immediately assumes he’s committed infanticide. I’ll admit, my mind went there too.

Who knows what the kid might do now that Betty has uncovered his DNA results. This smack more loudly of another daytime staple, but we have to wonder who Chic’s dad is, if Betty is being this assertive with the findings. I kind of feel bad for Chic a little. It must be hard making your living as an online web-boy who is most certainly the poor man’s Dave Franco. Maybe he’s just misunderstood.

Oh hey, you know what is not misunderstood? A freaking blood oath. For real, Riverdale? For one, I need them to stop trying to make “Archie as a badass” happen because the kid can’t come down on one side of the decision to save his life. One minute he’s Hiram’s right-hand man, the next he’s snitching to the always overly dramatic Jughead. Which is it?

I mean, Riverdale really went for it, having Archie swear his loyalty to Hiram using his own blood, but how long do we think this will really last.

Now that Jughead dramatically uncovered Hiram’s dastardly and nefarious plan to enhance an underserved community and foster economic growth, Fred Andrews bails out as his puppet candidate for mayor. Jughead actually calls him Dracula at some point, and the soapy melodrama makes me chuckle – especially when Archie repeats it a few scenes later.

I can’t really understand why this prison thing is supposed to be the big bad, but I think I’ll side with Fred Andrews no matter what. But that only makes one of us, because Archie, after snitching on Hiram in the first place, flip-flops his position and declares loyalty.

Oy, Riverdale, stop trying to make us care about Archie when there’s so much else to sink our teeth into.

While I loved how soapy the episode got, I got a little tug in the feels when Fred showed us his “Riverdale 2020” plans. I’m a real sucker for both the character Fred Andrews and the actor, Luke Perry.

I just think he is woefully underutilized in this show, as I’ve said before. I was almost hoping he would run for mayor, so I could see his face more. Maybe he and FP can team up, and FP can finally stop wearing that unfortunate uniform.