The Riverdale midseason premiere was wobbly: Here’s how they can course correct

The Riverdale midseason premiere struggles without the driving force of the Black Hood mystery. Here’s how they can get on track.

Fans of the beloved CW “mystery” show don’t expect a lot of reality or believability from our favorite nighttime soap. But the Riverdale midseason premiere wasn’t just unbelievable, it was unbelievably wobbly and uneven.

I really, really wanted a finite resolution to the whole Black Hood mystery. It went on for about two episodes too long, and now it looks like it might not even be over yet. However, if I had known what chaos would be left in the Black Hood vacuum, I would have never wasted a wish on it.

Without the driving force of a whodunnit, Riverdale doesn’t know what it wants to say. It’s throwing everything at the wall, including the most implausible and LOL storyline of them all: Archie as an FBI agent. Why are they doing this to us?

Aside from the (attempt at a) Twin Peaks-ey vibe, it’s also unloading a long lost Cooper kid in the form of a creepy(ier) Dave Franco look-alike; a Blossom-turned-prostitute (but not the good Blossom); and a turf war between Jughead and, well, everyone. I want to care about most of this, but can’t find the energy. I’m just too distracted with Archie as a snitch.

I don’t think it’s too late to course-correct and get the lean, mean Riverdale machine back on its gritty, storytelling track. The show may be on its heels, but here are somethings that should happen to get it up and swinging again.

Abort this “Archie as an FBI informant” storyline immediately

Aside from not being all that interesting or new, it’s so far from what we can believe from Archie. Y’all, I’m not being elitist when I say Archie is dumb as a bag of hammers. There is no flipping way he’s savvy enough to be a federal snitch. He’s already bad at it. (See: beating Nick St. Clair while he lays in his bed with two broken legs. Archie makes a terrible thug.)

This can only go on if they make this Agent Adams (if that’s even his real name) some sort of double-cross for Archie. Perhaps he could be a plant from the Lodges, who already think Archie is hopelessly beneath his daughter. I don’t really disagree.

It makes terrible sense to team him up with Cheryl, if only because Cheryl is like a firecracker and her talents shouldn’t be wasted with a bowl of oatmeal. Why are we even circling back to this Nick St. Clair business? Archie is the worst sleuth, and couldn’t even keep his Hulk-smash temper in check long enough to get a job done. Dummy.

Double down on the Blossom mom as hooker story

This is the kind of stuff that Riverdale does well. It’s pulpy and campy, and gives Cheryl the opportunity to use words like “bordello” and “courtesan.” Yes, please.

If the writers really want to utilize the best of Cheryl Blossom, they’ll put her in charge of this whole brothel idea. Make her the Riverdale madame we didn’t even know we needed, and watch it be the best thing about Wednesday nights.

As it stands, Penelope Blossom as a willing high-priced hooker is good, but daughter Cheryl as madame is even better. She’s already got the extortion and blackmailing thing down pat.

Raise the stakes on the turf war

The culture clash between the Southside Serpents and the Riverdale Bulldogs is, by far, the best part of this episode. I love to see Jughead assert his leadership over the Serpents (although he’s getting a little cocky asserting it over the folks who’ve been members longer). This whole “I won’t  shed my skin” about the jacket is actually pretty great. Also, FP’s advice about laying low and hibernating was … well, look, we’ll let Mädchen Amick speak for us here:

As great as the Jones family is at this point, it’s not enough to carry this whole “us vs. them” storyline unless the drama gets ratcheted up a notch. Right now, Southside High was closed because of some shady … yawn … land deal with the Lodges. But what if the stakes were more than a bunch of teenagers feeling displaced?

The name of the episode, “Blackboard Jungle,” is a nod to an old movie about clashing groups of teenagers, but it’s a little on the nose here, and possibly a little insensitive given that this episode aired the week of the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday. However, we get the vibe they’re going for, now they just need to give us more.

Jughead is dancing around the idea of full-on coup with his new “club,” Swords and Serpents (although the name isn’t very covert). I’m left wondering, however: What are they going to do? Do they really just want to be accepted at pep rallies and get permission to wear leather? It has to be more than this.

Chic cannot, I repeat, CANNOT be the Black Hood

Let him be weird and damaged. Let him have some big, dark, secret that Hal can’t deal with and forces a divorce. Let him be anything in the world except the Black Hood. I won’t, nay, can’t suffer through more amateur sleuthing from this Scooby gang, and I can’t abide watching Betty’s tortured face as she contemplates someone else’s struggles. Don’t make me, Riverdale.

Riverdale — “Chapter Twenty-Three: The Blackboard Jungle” — Image Number: RVD210b_0076.jpg — Pictured (L-R): Madchen Amick as Alice Cooper and Lili Reinhart as Betty — Photo: Diyah Pera/The CW — © 2018 The CW Network, LLC. All rights reserved.

In fact, let’s not make him anything but FP’s illegitimate son, so that he can validate and foster my major ‘ship of Alice and FP. I don’t even care that this would (loosely) make Jug and Betty related. We’ve already got some brand new incest babies, thanks to Polly and her new found cult. What’s a little step-sibling action in the bigger picture?

Related Story: Shame on the Riverdale midseason finale for not giving us the wrap-up we deserve

According to Jughead’s cryptic voice over (and pretty much everything else we learned about Chic in this episode) he’s a possible “monster.” He lives in a seedy hotel in Centerville, he makes his living in “fantasy fulfillment,” he’s prone to getting attacked, and he’s a super creep who watches Betty sleep. Blech.

All of that is still far preferable to him being the Black Hood. I just can’t care for this storyline anymore. Just let me live, Riverdale.

Riverdale  airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET on The CW.