Harry Potter fanfiction is nothing new. In fact, some of it is pretty damn good. But like with anything awesome, we have to take the bitter with the sweet. That’s why we feel like introducing you to the world’s most notoriously bad fanfiction: My Immortal.
10 years ago, an author named Tara Gilesbie, aka “XXXbloodyrists666XXX” burst onto the Fanfiction.net scene, unleashing an innocuous Harry Potter fanfiction entitled My Immortal. What followed was a whirlwind of misspellings, anger, a battle between ‘goffs’ and ‘preps,’ and a ton of Hot Topic product placement that shook the internet to its core.
My Immortal is one of those so-bad-it’s-actually-good fanfictions. We’re introduced to the main character Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, a Mary Sue of the highest caliber, who’s a 7th year Slytherin student obsessed with all things Gothic.
Except when we say “Gothic,” we mean it as Ebony describes it: “goffick.” That means listening to bands like My Chemical Romance or Good Charlotte, wearing all back, being depressed for no reason, and sticking her middle finger up at those Hogwarts “preps.” She’s absolutely perfect in every way, and all the Slytherin boys, like Draco and “Vampire Potter” just can’t get enough of her goffick beauty.
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The 44-chapter saga doesn’t really have a plot. We (try to) follow Ebony as she describes each and every outfit she wears (in vast detail), and is propositioned by everyone in sight. That includes the “Bark Lord” Voldemort, who wants her to kill random Hogwarts students, not with magic, but with a gun. Everyone is either a Satanist or Sadist, and obsessed with the macabre on the most superficial level possible.
To give you an idea of just what we’re dealing with, let’s take a look at the first time Ebony has relations with her boyfriend Draco.
Exploring My Immortal
"Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time."
Yeah, that’s the stuff. It only gets sillier as time goes on. Here’s an example of just how garbled things can get.
"I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent."
Readers who are brave enough to sift through the myriad misspellings can tell that Tara at least watched the movies or skimmed the novels. But the story lines become such a jumbled mess after a while, it’s hard to flesh out where exactly in this universe we are. However, the ride we take to get there is all part of the fun of this timeless piece of internet lore.
Gines Reads My Immortal
Of course, My Immortal is nothing but a trollfic. It wasn’t meant to be a serious piece of literature, but back in those internet days, we couldn’t be too sure. People took this thing way too seriously, and they cried tears of blood trying to figure out if it was real or not. Tara’s incessant Author’s Notes bating all the preppy flamers didn’t help either. But everyone once it a while, it’s fun to tuck in with our Good Charlotte t-shirts and look back on this fanfic with goffick glee.
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You can read the entire entire glorious mess for yourself here, if you dare. And here’s a bit of shameless self-promotion: You can watch me do a dramatic reading of the series on my YouTube channel. I do voices and everything. Just for fun. We all could use a little laugh these days and I’m happy to make a fool of myself in order to do just that.
Enjoy, preps.