In the season’s most epic episode yet, American Horror Story serves up gory justice, sets us up for the finale, and still manages a few new surprises.
The season finale is in sight for us and for the cast of the million shows that make up American Horror Story: Roanoke: Three Nights in Hell (or whatever we’re calling it now.) Dominic and Shelby, having just witnessed the Real Butcher brutally cleave Fake Butcher Agnes in the head, are trapped, hiding from the Blood Moon Crew. Dominic gracefully takes THIS time to complain about how he was promised a spin-off should he play a good villain, and, probably in an attempt to shut him the hell up, Shelby quickly shuttles him down the stairs in search of an escape plan.
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They go into the basement, where Matt is still lying dead with his head smashed in. Shelby freaks out just a lil bit, probably because she’s the one who did it and kind of for no real reason, but that’s none of my business. Shelby and Dominic continue through the tunnels under the house- the same tunnels where Rory (dead) and Audrey (still alive, as far as we know) had fallen in love while pretending to be Shelby and the Ghost of Edward Mott, KEEP UP!!! They hear shuffling and see figures in the distance, which Shelby assumes could be Real Ghost Edward back to help them BUT NOPE IT IS THOSE SCARY UPSIDE DOWN DEAD CRAWLING GIRLS!!!!
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Meanwhile, in an entirely separate den of horrors, Mama Polk, having recently taken Lee, Audrey, and Monet as hostages/potential snacks, stands in her kitchen sharpening her knife monologuing about liking thin slices. Of human. The human Lee, to be specific here. One of the Polk brothers still has the camera the women had been filming with upon their capture, and is constantly shooting what’s happening. Mama doesn’t really like this, and even though she knows it’s on film, she asks him to cut her “some nice filet” (again, OF LEE) so it doesn’t really seem like she minds thaaaaat much??? As they prepare to carve her, Mama begins to tell Lee the Polk family history. She relays that during the Depression, when the family had little to eat and hobos began to steal what they did, they basically had no choice but to just start eating the hobos. Like, solid logic, kinda. Mama says that it’s tradition and their family will keep it going. Sweet! Lee (possible murderer, remember?!?) reminds Mama that they have the death penalty in North Carolina. She says that when they get caught for what they’ve done, they’ll be killed, but Mama tells Lee that she’s had the police in her pocket for years. Welp.
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With that hopeful revelation, they start carving Lee’s body to eat. The Polk Bro cuts off her ear, telling her that it’s a Christmas present; they ALL get a pickled ear! Along with that touching gesture, he also says that “the babies do cuddles with mama,” so this is all normal and very fine. Lee starts to cry, and tells him that she wants another Christmas with Flora (her daughter). The Polk Bro says he had wanted to be on TV during the filming of the original show, and Lee tells him that they’re making another show and she can get him famous if he helps her get out to her daughter. He then totally casually changes the subject to tell Lee about one of his ancestors who made himself famous by inventing the Piggy Man (!!!!!!) and terrorizing the town; he made himself a legend. Lee’s like “Uhhh, k!” and then, again, asks to be let go, saying that she’ll make him a hero. He tells her she must stay, and admits, “Even I can’t leave if I want to.”
He then admits to Lee that Mama is soon coming to cut a piece off her shoulder, and he offers Lee drugs to snort to take the edge off. Lee refuses, citing her addiction problems, but then realizes that there’s likely no life for her after this, so breaking her sobriety doesn’t matter. She snorts the pills.
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Back at the house, Lee and Dominic run into the kitchen away from those little upside down monsters. Dominic says there are too many of them to overpower, and asks if there are any rules or something they can use to escape AS THOUGH NO ONE WOULD’VE THOUGHT TO UTILIZE THEM BY NOW. Shelby tells him that there’s no escape. While he’s convincing her that they’re totally going to be okay, a Pig Man appears behind him, and Shelby stabs it in the head, so like maybe she should stop listening to him 5ever. Then those scary upside down girls show up again. Then the murderous nurse sisters materialize. It’s a genuine tornado of horror. They manage to get past it all and shuffle up the stairs to hide in the master bathroom. Shelby remarks that they’re back where they started. Dominic begs her to stay with him, saying that he needs her help. Shelby is utterly beaten down. She reminds him that she’s killed the only man she’s ever loved, and says that there’s no place left for her in the world. She slits her own throat. Another one bites the dust.
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At the Polks, Lee tells the Polk Bro to take a picture out of her pocket; it’s of Flora, who she then asks to talk to. He covers up her wounds (awww!) and films her talking straight to the camera, telling Flora she loves her. Then, because there is no more room for chill, promptly states, “I killed Daddy.” SHE *IS* A MURDERER!!!!! She tells Flora that it was nobody’s fault but her own, and that she knew he was going to take their child away from her. Lee couldn’t see her life going on that way, so, murder, I guess. She implores Flora to go on with her life without lies and doubt holding her back. The Polk Bro admits that he’s never killed anyone and that Mama tells him that next time, it’s his turn. He says he doesn’t want to hurt Lee because he likes her. Pulling the move that all women in all bars have pulled when they are (rightfully or wrongfully) afraid of being murdered, she pretends to like him back. She asks him if he wants to touch her, and tells him she wants to make him feel good. Of course, this immediately works, and he unties her, which is when Lee takes the opportunity to choke him into unconsciousness. She unties her own legs and tries to run away, but stumbles BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN EATING ONE OF THOSE LEGS. As she tries to get away, he manages to stand up, and Lee stabs that sad lil monster to death.
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Cut to: Dominic in the bathroom yelling into the camera at Sidney to help him, saying that he’s afraid to die in there and he needs to get out so he can fly first class to Thailand. Alrighty.
In another sect of the Polk Resort of Terror, Audrey and Monet are being held hostage by the other brothers. The bros are asking them why they did what they did, thinking that they’re Real Shelby and Real Lee. They try to explain that they’re just actors, and that nothing they do is real or matters. They say the Polks actually want the REAL Matt and Shelby (dead and dead) who are back at the house, and offers to bring them there. Real team players, those two. The Polk brothers then take a moment to parade around the mouthfuls of teeth they’ve collected on necklaces. One of them starts to pull Monet’s teeth out with pliers, but it doesn’t work, and so he goes to get “the big pair.” Monet takes this opportunity to beat the remaining brother til he’s rolling on the ground, and then promptly run away, though all the while claiming to Audrey that she’ll be back. Enter Mama, who orders the boys to go and fetch Monet in the woods. Mama tells Audrey that the boys need teeth, but Audrey refuses to cooperate, because 1) absolutely not that is monstrous and 2) “I paid good money for these teeth!” I LOVE ACTORS!!!!!!!!! Audrey spits at her, which angers Mama and prompts her to bring up Rory. Of course, Audrey freaks out, and yells at Mama about the “filthy monstrosities” she calls children. Then it’s Mama’s turn to freak out, only instead of USING HER WORDS, she yanks out one of Audrey’s very expensive teeth.
We see the brothers out chasing Monet through the woods for just a few seconds before cutting back to the Polk house, where Lee enters the room and knocks Mama out. She unties Audrey, who bashes Mama’s head in, saying “F*** you, you f*****g Butcher.” What a woman.
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Lee and Audrey make it back to the basement, with Lee leaning on Audrey for support because of the LEG THAT HAD BEEN EAAATTEEENNN. Lee says that she should’ve grabbed some more Oxy, and Audrey tells her that she has some stuff in her room. Again- actors, man. As they head back into the house, they find Matt dead on the ground. Lee falls over his body, crying, but Audrey reminds her that whatever or whoever did it is still in the house (Shelby; dead), so they have to keep moving. Audrey tries to go upstairs to get the medicine, but Lee won’t let her leave her down there alone. They get upstairs and Audrey offers her a joint while Lee lays on the bed sobbing. Not the time for chillaxing, Audr. Audrey assures her that they’ll be all right. She goes into the bathroom to get water and sees Shelby on the floor, bloody, and immediately screams, “OH MY GOD, SHELBY. I FEEL LIKE PART OF ME HAS DIED WITH HER.” This woman is truly everything 2 me.
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Dominic is still in there, sulking about Thailand probs, and tells them what Shelby had done to herself and to Matt. They don’t believe Dominic. They think that Shelby would never kill Matt, the love of her life, and that she would also never kill herself. Audrey claims that she was too self-centered to have killed herself- she knows because she played her. She’s an actress. Have you heard? They shove Dominic into the hall because he’s been deemed untrustworthy and he’s kind of annoying tbh. So obviously he immediately gets murdered by the Pig Man. Seeing this, Audrey takes a camera from the bed and says “If I die, I had so many wonderful performances ahead of me. There was so much more I had to give you as my fans.” She is an incredibly perfect monster.
And now it’s the next morning. They made it to sunrise, alive, and Audrey’s phone is still working just enough for her to look at herself in its camera. Lee wants to go back to the Polk house to get the tapes because it shows them killing people and ALSO IT SHOWS HER CONFESSING THAT OTHER MURDER THAT EVERYONE THOUGHT SHE COMMITTED BUT SHE SWORE SHE DIDN’T BUT SHE REALLY DID. She thinks that if the wrong people get ahold of it, that’s all they’ll be remembered for, and it’ll get twisted so it won’t matter that it’s self defense. Lee tells Audrey that’s she’s going back to steal the tapes, hot-wire the truck, and escape. Audrey agrees to accompany her. They go into the hall, where Dominic is very dead. “He really was such a wonderful scene partner. He gave me so much to play with,” says British Horror Story, Audrey Tindall. They open the door to go outside, thinking that because it’s light out, they’ll be okay. Guess who’s waiting outside? PIG MAN! They hit him over the head with a crowbar, but he takes off his mask, saying, “Lee, it’s me.” Audrey says “Dylan?”
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WHAT. HAS. HAPPENED. HERE. There are two episodes left, and frankly, I need them chock-full of Audrey talking about her craft and Lee kicking ass and taking names. And none for the Polk family, bye.
To follow the Roanoke Nightmare/Nights in Hell to the bitter end, tune in Wednesdays at 10PM, E.T. on FX.