(Image via CBS/Showtime)
True confessions of a nerdy would-be television buff millennial: I’ve never seen Twin Peaks.
Up until now, the closest I got to seeing what is widely regarded as one of the best television dramas of all time was when David Lynch’s son went to my college for a couple years. (At which point I was like, “Who is David Lynch and why are people so excited about this? What’s Twin Peaks?” Ahh, youth.)
However, when I look at the show’s Wikipedia page, it’s pretty easy to figure out why I didn’t see it when it aired–I was born in December 1991, by which time the show had already been canceled for the better part of a year.
But! No time like the present to get on the bandwagon. I’ve heard nothing but rave reviews about the show, and it’s probably a good idea to check it out before season 3 premieres on May 21. I’ll be posting updates as I crunch my way through the show’s existing 30 episodes, starting with the pilot today.
Twin Peaks: Pilot. Or: “Baby, you’re more like a three-stage rocket. A pocket rocket.”
Much like the show itself, before I get to the plot of the first season, I’m gonna need a disproportionately long amount of time to talk about the intro sequence.
Y’all. To be totally honest, I think the intro sequence needs its own article–I’m sure there’s a thinkpiece somewhere that does it full poetic justice. While a cursory Googling does not reveal said thinkpiece, I did find some sheet music so you can recreate the magic at home (instructions: slowly, expressively).
Here is why watching this show in the age of Netflix is an A+ choice: I rewound the b-roll of the spinny wheel of death carving notches in metal while the prong-hand pushes the notches forward (around 0:30, if you’re curious) like six times. It’s weirdly mesmerizing.
“Hey, you know what really says sleepy industrial American town? LIME GREEN FONT.”
Here is why watching this show in the age of Neflix is an A- choice: the terrifyingly bad lime-green font is in what I can only assume is much higher quality than it would be in the 90s. Who decided this was a good decision? “Hey, you know what really says sleepy industrial American town? LIME GREEN FONT.”
I actually adore it in a slow, expressive lime-green sort of way, but holy bananas it is so long.
Okay, onto the show.
I am incredibly pleased that the first shot of the show is an Asian woman applying makeup like a boss. Who is she? We don’t know. I assume we’ll find out. But I kind of thought that Hollywood only realized there were actors who weren’t white dudes in, like, 2003, so this is a pleasant surprise.
The first two words in this show, however, are “gone fishing.” I just need everyone to reflect on that for a minute.
This dude’s love language is ear noogies. (Image via CBS/Showtime)
The Asian lady apparently lives with the would-be fisherman and his wife? She heard the door opening and closing, anyway.
As long as the intro is, the show gets straight to the point–Gone Fishing finds a plastic-wrapped body at about 4:26. Considering the intro is three minutes long, that’s pretty darn quick on the draw.
“Put Harry on the horn,” says a flustered Gone Fishing, apparently returned to his apathetic wife and mysterious guest. Is that what they called a phone in 1989, which is apparently when the show took place? Can I bring it back? Does “cell horn” have the same ring to it?
We later learn that Harry’s full name is actually Harry S. Truman, forever establishing him as President Sheriff in my mind.
Well, hellooooo Harry.
Enter President Sheriff. (Image via CBS/Showtime)
We later learn that Sheriff Harry’s full name is actually Harry S. Truman, forever establishing him as President Sheriff in my mind. (President Sheriff of my heart.)
I was not expecting this show to be remotely funny, so I’m very pleased when we get two great comedic bits in a row. Lucy the switchboard operator’s overly detailed instructions when she transfers the call to President Sheriff are absolutely fantastic:
And when the police drive out to see the body, one of them breaks down in tears while photographing the scene–before even seeing the body. It’s not the first time he’s done it, either, if an exasperated President Sheriff is anything to go by. This bit is actually genius. It drives home the Twin-Peaks-is-a-small-town-hoo-boy-they’re-in-over-their-heads bit while also adding some dark humor to the shot.
I am the very model of a modern major-general massager. (Image via CBS/Showtime)
Side note: if I had watched this as a young impressionable youth I feel like there would be a 50% higher chance of me trying cigarettes.
The body is revealed to be Laura Palmer. We instantly get some prime dramatic irony when the scene switches to Laura’s mom, who doesn’t even realize that Laura’s not in the house. Side note: if I had watched this as a young impressionable youth I feel like there would be a 50% higher chance of me trying cigarettes because damn Mrs. Palmer can work a Marlboro. (I’m assuming it’s a Marlboro. Anything else seems vaguely unpatriotic.)
When Mrs. Palmer does figure out Laura’s not home, she starts calling around Twin Peaks, first dialing someone who is…massaging a general? Not a metaphor.
Requisite millennial side note: mystery plots were just so much simpler in the age before cell phones. I mean, Laura’s cell phone could be dead or left at home or whathaveyou, but scriptwriters got to avoid so many plotholes and time-consuming explanations. Anyway, while I’m ruminating on this, Mrs. Palmer is learning that Bobby–who I’m assuming is the boyfriend–is not at football practice. She looks some combination of pissed and worried. Oh, the dramatic irony!
Cut to this holy wow beautiful shot:
(Image via CBS/Showtime)
Zoom in onto the hotel/lodge at the top of the waterfall, where a hoity-toity girl gets into a hoity-toity car. I am amused to note that her very deliberately shot shoes are still in fashion.
(Image via CBS/Showtime)
How is referring to someone as a cheese-eater an insult?
Long story short, Businessman #1 is banking on the Packard Sawmill going out of business and is trying to sell the land to Norwegians. Who are referred to as cheese-eaters? Why? Who doesn’t like cheese, how is this an insult. An important line that realistically should be worked into any deal: “My air sacs have never felt so good!”
Businessman #2 is revealed to be Leland Palmer, father of Laura. In another brilliantly shot scene, he’s on the phone reassuring his wife that their daughter is fine as President Sheriff is driving up to the lodge. Interestingly, President Sheriff never tells Mr. Palmer Laura is dead; Mr. Palmer never tells Mrs. Palmer that Laura is dead. They just all kind of know and start sobbing.
This makes for two crying men thus far. I am impressed and encouraged at the lack of emotional stoicism.
Meanwhile, we cut to a diner and a young rakish lad who is revealed to be Bobby. I’d also like to point out that this was an age where you could pay for a coffee with quarters without it being insulting. Bobby, truly a young rakish lad, is making time with one of the diner waitresses. Interestingly, the most dramatic music of the episode thus far is not when they find the body, or when Laura’s parents find out that she’s dead. It’s when Bobby and the Shelley the Waitress are driving to her house and they realize her husband? brother? father? is home.
Did high school students just, like, casually smoke in hallways in 1989?
Scene cut to the Twin Peaks high school. I am forced to ask two important questions:
- Did students just, like, casually smoke in hallways in 1989?
- Did students put out their lit cigarettes in their lockers in 1989?
Anyway, the high school is informed of Laura’s death. Everyone is upset but Bobby. The principal starts crying, bringing the crying dudes total up to three. Here for it!
Scene cut to the Palmers’ house, where the police are questioning Laura’s grieving parents and going through her stuff. I’m only mentioning this for two reasons. Firstly, Overly Empathetic Policeman discovers her diary and is flummoxed because there’s no key. Y’all, locked diaries are not exactly the pinnacle of security.
Secondly, what the fresh hell is this:
No, seriously. What is this. (Image via CBS/Showtime)
The police realize another Twin Peaks girl is missing, who promptly reappears in an absolutely gorgeous shot:
(Image via CBS/Showtime)
But have no fear, because FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper is on the case.
Y’all. How much do I love FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper. Let me count the ways.
Actually, I’ll spare you. But I will post his opening monologue–as spoken into what I’m assuming is a tape recorder–in its entirety.
Y’all. How much do I love FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper. Let me count the ways.
"Diane, 2:15 in the afternoon, November 14. Entering town of Twin Peaks. Five miles south of the Canadian border, twelve miles west of the state line. Never seen so many trees in my life. As W.C. Fields would say, I’d rather be here than Philadelphia. It’s 54 degrees on a beautiful sunny afternoon. Weatherman said rain. If you could get paid that kind of money for being wrong 60% of the time, it’d beat working. Mileage is 79,345, gauge is on reserve, I’m riding on fumes, have to tank up when I get into town, remind me to tell you how much that is. Lunch was $6.31 and I left her a dollar tip, at the Lamplighter Inn, that’s on Highway 2 near Lewis Fork. That was a tuna fish sandwich on whole wheat and a slice of cherry pie and coffee. Damn good food. And if you ever get up this way, Diane, that cherry pie is worth a stop. I’ll be looking for a Sheriff Daniel Steadman, he’s going to be at the Calhoun Memorial Hospital with that girl they pulled off the mountain. I’ll be checking into a motel after we’re through there. Sure the Sheriff’ll be able to recommend a clean place. Reasonably priced. Forgot to mention. I stopped for coffee and a pit stop about 10:30, little diner near Bitteroot Lake. Excellent coffee. Forgot to get the receipt, can you believe it? That was seventy fire cents and I left a quarter on the counter. Got to find out what kind of trees these are. They’re really something."
Cooper instantly busts open the diary with brute manly FBI strength, winning him a point.
There’s something about the enthusiastic banality of Dale Cooper that is absolutely mesmerizing. President Sheriff is pretty much instantly along for the ride; they quickly become a buddy-cop duo, interviewing the girl who appeared on the train tracks, going to examine Laura Palmer’s body–Cooper finds a paper “R” under her fingernail, which is probably important–and looking through Laura’s things.
Cooper instantly busts open the diary with brute manly FBI strength, winning him a point. He then handles it without gloves, instantly losing said point. He does find a key to a safety deposit box, as well as traces of what he thinks are cocaine.
Cooper and President Sheriff interview Bobby. He didn’t do it. How do I know? Because Cooper types a note on…a graphing calculator?
(Image via CBS/Showtime)
Also, because Cooper has seen this murdering leaving-letters-under-people’s-fingernails MO before. Cooper and Sheriff President go to the kill site, where they find a lot of blood, a pile of dirt with a half-heart necklace on top, and a note written in blood: “Fire. Walk with me.”
Serial killer time!
Related Story: On May 21, Twin Peaks Revives Itself
Some other key facts revealed in the pilot:
- Fancy shoes girl is revealed to be Audrey. However, Audrey is an asshole, intentionally ruining the deal with the cheese-eating Norwegians by telling them about Laura’s death.
- Everyone is sleeping with everyone. More specifically, Laura was dating James the Biker on the side.
- Mysterious Asian lady is revealed to be Josie Packard, the widow of the original owner of Packard Sawmill and also she’s gettin’ it on with President Sheriff. She is my hero.
- Everyone is cheating on everyone. More specifically, Laura’s best friend Donna starts macking on biker James–does it count as cheating if Laura is dead?–and Shelley the Waitress is married to Leo the Abusive Trucker. There’s also a gas station owner who is making time with the other waitress; they’re both married to other people.
- James is revealed to have the other half of the necklace found at the mill. Helen and James bury it in the woods, but a mysterious someone finds it at the end of the episode