In what could easily be misconstrued as a music video about vampires, Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik released the music video for “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever.”
Basically, Fifty Shades Darker tells the story of a mentally-unstable but good-looking man named Christian Grey and his obsessive and somewhat-abusive relationship with the demure Anastasia Steele, who is only as civilized as someone asks her to be. It’s based on a book based on Twilight fanfiction, so you’re allowed to take it as seriously as you want. Regardless, it has fans and makes money. And you can’t scoff at that.
However, you can scoff all day and night at Taylor Swift and Zayn Malik. For the soundtrack to Fifty Shades Darker, the pair collaborated on the song, “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever“, which was also co-written by Jack Antonoff. If you don’t know who that is, that’s perfectly fine.
For the sake of context, let’s take a look at the lyrics of this song. I typed them out here for those of us who are not dogs, and therefore, cannot compute sounds at this decibel. Also, I skipped straight to the bridge and chorus, because that’s all I could understand —
Baby, baby, I feel crazy
Up all night, all night and every day
Give me somethin’, oh, but you say nothin’
What is happenin’ to me?
I don’t wanna live forever
‘Cause I know I’ll be livin’ in vain
And I don’t wanna fit wherever
I just wanna keep callin’ your name
Until you come back home
I just wanna keep callin’ your name
Until you come back home
I just wanna keep callin’ your name
Until you come back home
That’s the entire gist of the song. So, keep that in mind while you see Zayn and Taylor get in an elevator and your eyes adjust to the Christmas color spectrum. And don’t forget this is the Fifty Shades Darker anthem, so the elevator is symbolic.
Watch below:
I know, it was like the trashier, juvenile version of that scene in True Lies. They could’ve had something here, but instead, they were like ‘Hit the lights and give me more Smurf blue!’ And the directors were like, ‘No, we need more property damage and more angst! We can’t use this in Fifty Shades Darker if there isn’t enough angst!’
Now, it’s my understanding that a lot of celebrities who are in-between the “who the hell is that?” level and jaw-dropping stardom pay paparazzi to come harass them. On the other hand, anyone who turns around for the camera is either a Kardashian, or apparently, Zayn Malik. Maybe it’s a commentary on his misery, but isn’t that the reason he destroyed One Direction? To strike out on his own and have Taylor Swift to himself?
Speaking of Kardashians, somebody found Kylie Jenner’s lip kit… (Just kidding, it’s Pat McGrath. Give her your money.) To be clear, I’m happy for you, Taylor, and I’ll let you finish, but — oh, are we done with that joke? Oh, that’s my bad.
Well, here’s the good news, Zayn. I plugged some numbers and your life expectancy is about 82 years old right now, so you’re going to be just fine.
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Fifty Shades Darker opens in theaters on Feb. 10.