23 National Nightmares We’ve Already Overcome

14 of 24

Courtesy: Party City

#11: Sexy Halloween Costumes

I am not here to shame anyone. I’m not one to care one ounce about fashion, or to police what is currently in, out, or otherwise. I am not even particularly good at Halloween- full disclosure, I went to a high school Halloween party as pregnant Bristol Palin, which was topical and brilliant but utterly unimpressive to 16 year olds. But, folks? Why do we need to be doing this? Why do we need to have a Sexy Olaf costume? And not only that, not only WHO would produce this and why, but what woman is purchasing this? When I saw Frozen, I wept for one full hour and then promptly bought the soundtrack. A thing I did not do was think, “That funny little snowman was cool and all, but what if I could find a way to channel him while also trying to arouse party-goers?”

I am all for showing off on Halloween- if you’re going as a mermaid, or a Playboy bunny, or a lifeguard, or some kind of very hot but questionably competent maid. But please, women, for the continued progress of our gender, for the sake of our 77 cents to every man’s dollar, stop forcing things to be sexual when they are just things! We don’t need a Sexy TIm Kaine! We don’t need to see your Instagram pics of Slutty Aaron Burr! And how, oh how, have you managed to turn the red Teletubby into something I have to hide from my grandparents as they walk by my computer?!?!?! If you’ve got it, and you’re empowered, flaunt it. But at least flaunt it in a way that doesn’t make us question everything we hold dear about Buzz, Woody, or any of the rest of the gang. A Sensual Potato Head, I need not.