The Real Housewives of Orange County recap: The Quiet Woman

The Real Housewives of Orange County’s third episode of season 12 was promised to blow our minds. The drama went down at The Quiet Woman (yes, you read the restaurant’s name correctly), and below are our hard-hitting takeaways.

Tamra’s guinea pig: The biggest WTF so far this season is Charlie, Tamra’s new guinea pig.

Kelly Dodd and I slap the same amount of fruit flies in our kitchens.

Vicki hired a youthful new business partner to provide protection and insulation as she builds her empire.

Jimmy cooks and cleans ($50 says it’s for the cameras only), and still very much can’t stand Meghan. Can this storyline just go away and never come back?

Lydia flippantly mentions her brother and dad are famous in Canada for being cut-throat business men. She wishes Doug had some of their fire. Maybe, after she finishes with her magazine, she’ll write a how-to guide on marriage.

The only thing I’m going to say about Shannon’s weight gain is that Shannon talks about her weight gain. Oh, and I hope her trainer loses his job after how poorly he treats her during her first session back with him. If I weren’t taking lessons from Lydia on how to be a lady, I’d say that Shannon’s trainer sucks.

Peggy FaceTimes with Kelly while driving one of her Ferraris.

The Quiet Woman gets very loud. Peggy stress eats.

Peggy is new to the gang and cannot be bothered by the drama. The dinner is to be her introduction to more of the O.C. ladies and it doesn’t start off too well. Throughout dinner, she blames cultural differences for why she’s not jiving with the ladies. Her jokes don’t transfer and she can’t quite get comfortable. Oh, but don’t worry. When all hell breaks lose, a la the arrival of Kelly Dodd, Peggy finds solace in her plate and calorically disassociates her way through the screams.

Lydia tries to create peace and resolution for Kelly and Shannon, two women she barely knows. Shannon is too focused on her weight, while Kelly is too hammered to put sentences together, so Lydia does what Lydia does best. Lydia prays. In a bathroom. With Shannon.

Next: NBC’s Midnight, Texas lacks the bite of True Blood

Back at the table, a dogfight. Shannon and Kelly go at it. Tears, flying food, vicious name-calling. The women leave. Kelly mouth-kisses a window. Shannon cries outside with a vodka soda at her feet. Until next Monday, we wait.